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Clipper Experiments: A Tail in Two Parts


Poor Dog. Subjected to my most ambitious experiments, she still falls for the old line, "C'mon, Honey, it'll be FUN!" Grooming the Dog and Fun do not belong in the same sentence together. This is a fact.

I bought some handy Oster clippers at the pet store a while back. Even while I stood waiting my turn at the cash register, I could hear Honey's tiny little scream in the back of my head . . . "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" But I did not listen. I forged ahead. Do you have any idea what it costs to get a dog like that groomed? She's half Chow, half Golden Retriever, with the chow's thick fur.

I am not a fan of instructions. I will read instructions if absolutely necessary, if forced to, but in most cases I will just learn on-the-job. This can be hazardous for certain tasks. Like electrical wiring, perhaps, which is why I don't do any of that. So I read enough of the instructions to get a comb thingie attached to the clippers, oiling them first.

Honey is not a big fan of buzzing objects. I don't know why this is. Perhaps she was scared by a loud buzzing object when she was a puppy. Maybe it's just annoying. Maybe the sight of me holding a buzzing object strikes terror into her little canine heart. I don't know. But she will cooperate somewhat, as long as I concentrate on the areas she wants me to concentrate on, and avoid the areas she wants me to avoid. I, however, do not believe in humoring her in this way. What? You don't want me to clip around your butt? Okay, that's where I want to then. You don't want to lose all that fur around your neck? Okay, off with it!

Every so often, or more frequently, she'll get up and wander off in a vain attempt to avoid the clippers. Since we're on a small deck and she can't escape back into the house, I just move closer to her. It's very aggravating to her, I'm sure, but we're really not there for her amusement, but for mine, so I don't care. She'll sit, or lay, and as I gently run the clippers through her fur, with tufts of it falling here and there, I can see her sighing to herself. It is a trial. But I am having fun! There is fur falling off in piles!

I do not read the instructions, nor do I have any training in this sort of activity. That is obvious from what is occurring with the poor dog. A portion of a back leg is clipped, so the fur there is white. A centimeter away, the fur is not clipped, so it long and golden. Her ruff is the same. It is not my fault. She was sitting quietly for a couple of minutes so I experimented with the ruff. I have discovered that when my dog's excessive ruff is reduced, she looks fatter. Let this be a lesson to us all: want to look thinner? Get more hair around an already fat neck.

I have been told that when I have worked on my dog it is embarrassing for her as the other dogs will point and laugh, but I don't think this is true. I don't think dogs CARE what they look like, and I don't think other dogs are that interested in what other dogs look like as much as they're interested in what they smell like. And my dog smells good. Well, she smells like a dog, but she's fine with that.

After being "groomed" rather haphazardly for awhile, Honey develops a new trick. She stands and she gets right up next to me. Since I'm sitting on my crossed legs, she's as big as I am, and she stands as close to me as she can get. A solid immoveable object jammed up against me. Awwww, my dog loves me! Well, yes, of course she does, but that is not the point of this particular exercise. The point of this particular exercise is to make sure I can't use the clippers on her anymore. How can I when she's jammed up next to me? I try pushing her away, but she won't move. She acts as if she doesn't know what's going on. As if she's there just to be close to me, as if she doesn't know what I'm trying to do . . .

The dog is stubborn. I think she gets it from me.

When we finish, it's not because we're finished, not by any stretch of the imagination. The dog is a patchwork quilt of uneven fur, choppy in some places, long and silky in others. And it's not because, despite the title, I have managed to clip her tale in two. It is because the job, to do properly, would take eight hours straight and I don't have the energy, the stamina, or the will to do so. Frankly, we're not that interested in perfection. That's boring. We're after a unique look, and I think we've achieved that. There is no other dog that looks like this, not once I've finished with her.

She stands alone, a testament to amateurism and on-the-job training. It's the American way.

Monique Young writes humor for a living, when she isn't keeping books or doing taxes. Her dog, Honey, does nothing useful but is fun to watch. She (Monique, not Honey), can be reached at monique@moniquewrites.com (website currently under construction).


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Wed. August / 05 / 2020

Dollars and Pets: Protecting your pets from summer dangers - The Mercury News
Dollars and Pets: Protecting your pets from summer dangers  The Mercury News

PETS - THE BLOUNT COUNTIAN
PETS  THE BLOUNT COUNTIAN

San Antonio Pets Alive! places two dogs up for adoption after owner dies of COVID-19 complications - KSAT San Antonio
San Antonio Pets Alive! places two dogs up for adoption after owner dies of COVID-19 complications  KSAT San Antonio

Pet of the Week | Pets | thecrier.net - Dunwoody Crier
Pet of the Week | Pets | thecrier.net  Dunwoody Crier

After months at home, how will pets cope when we go back to work? - New Jersey 101.5 FM Radio
After months at home, how will pets cope when we go back to work?  New Jersey 101.5 FM Radio

Clear The Shelters Cutest Pets Photo Contest 2020 - KXAN.com
Clear The Shelters Cutest Pets Photo Contest 2020  KXAN.com

Brandywine Valley SPCA adopts out more than 100 pets in less than a week - 47abc - WMDT
Brandywine Valley SPCA adopts out more than 100 pets in less than a week - 47abc  WMDT

Pets killed in mobile home fire near Paw Paw - WWMT-TV
Pets killed in mobile home fire near Paw Paw  WWMT-TV

PCS'ing with Pets: Covid-19 Updates and Guidance - Stripes Japan
PCS'ing with Pets: Covid-19 Updates and Guidance  Stripes Japan

Hot Pets Aren't Cool | News | parkerpioneer.net - Parker Pioneer
Hot Pets Aren't Cool | News | parkerpioneer.net  Parker Pioneer

How to protect your pets from getting lost - WDIV ClickOnDetroit
How to protect your pets from getting lost  WDIV ClickOnDetroit

Pets of the Week: 8-4-2020 – WBKB 11 - WBKB-TV
Pets of the Week: 8-4-2020 – WBKB 11  WBKB-TV

Coronavirus in pets, French research strategy and a duplication detector - Nature.com
Coronavirus in pets, French research strategy and a duplication detector  Nature.com

Calling all pets! Here's how to become a KVMR pin-up calendar critter - The Union of Grass Valley
Calling all pets! Here's how to become a KVMR pin-up calendar critter  The Union of Grass Valley

Pets of the week - Chicago Tribune
Pets of the week  Chicago Tribune

Army vet finds peace fostering pets, finding them homes - ArmyTimes.com
Army vet finds peace fostering pets, finding them homes  ArmyTimes.com

Give a good home to one of these North State pets - Redding Record Searchlight
Give a good home to one of these North State pets  Redding Record Searchlight

Woman trying to save pets rescued from burning home in New Castle - TribLIVE
Woman trying to save pets rescued from burning home in New Castle  TribLIVE

Harris County Pets announces free adoption days in August - Community Impact Newspaper
Harris County Pets announces free adoption days in August  Community Impact Newspaper

Can dogs get coronavirus? Yes, a Louisiana dog just did. Here's what pet owners should know. - The Advocate
Can dogs get coronavirus? Yes, a Louisiana dog just did. Here's what pet owners should know.  The Advocate

August is Pet Digestive Health Month.. 3 Tips to Support Your Pet's Immune System - Islander News.com
August is Pet Digestive Health Month.. 3 Tips to Support Your Pet's Immune System  Islander News.com

Henrico County offering $10 rabies vaccinations for pets - WWBT NBC12 News
Henrico County offering $10 rabies vaccinations for pets  WWBT NBC12 News

Pets Can Cause Fires! // Safety Tips For Pet Owners // ShopKidde.com - Yahoo News
Pets Can Cause Fires! // Safety Tips For Pet Owners // ShopKidde.com  Yahoo News

Palm Springs Animal Shelter says pet surrenders happening due to coronavirus pandemic - Desert Sun
Palm Springs Animal Shelter says pet surrenders happening due to coronavirus pandemic  Desert Sun

'He don't talk back to me!' Seniors receive robot pets to help with quarantine loneliness - WCVB Boston
'He don't talk back to me!' Seniors receive robot pets to help with quarantine loneliness  WCVB Boston

Set an Alarm for 'Connection Time' With Your Kids and Pets - Lifehacker
Set an Alarm for 'Connection Time' With Your Kids and Pets  Lifehacker

Is El Paso Animal Services no longer accepting stray pets? - KFOX El Paso
Is El Paso Animal Services no longer accepting stray pets?  KFOX El Paso

Help #ClearTheShelters by Adopting One of These Lovable Pets - NBC4 Washington
Help #ClearTheShelters by Adopting One of These Lovable Pets  NBC4 Washington

Animatronic Pets Are Coming To RMC - The Roundup
Animatronic Pets Are Coming To RMC  The Roundup

Summertime is also rabies time. How to keep you and your pets safe - WYDaily
Summertime is also rabies time. How to keep you and your pets safe  WYDaily

Pets and COVID-19: Humans can pass on coronavirus to dogs and cats, study finds | Daily Sabah - Daily Sabah
Pets and COVID-19: Humans can pass on coronavirus to dogs and cats, study finds | Daily Sabah  Daily Sabah

Pets of the Week: Aug. 3 - The Herald-News
Pets of the Week: Aug. 3  The Herald-News

Smithtown Adoptable Pets Of The Week: 4 Kittens - Smithtown, NY Patch
Smithtown Adoptable Pets Of The Week: 4 Kittens  Smithtown, NY Patch

Alligators make terrible pets: 'You're basically dealing with a dinosaur.' - National Geographic
Alligators make terrible pets: 'You're basically dealing with a dinosaur.'  National Geographic

The Hottest Industries Today - Entrepreneur
The Hottest Industries Today  Entrepreneur

Adorable Adoptable Pets Of The Week In Howard County - Ellicott City, MD Patch
Adorable Adoptable Pets Of The Week In Howard County  Ellicott City, MD Patch

Northport Adoptable Pets Of The Week: Miles & Percy - Northport, NY Patch
Northport Adoptable Pets Of The Week: Miles & Percy  Northport, NY Patch

Former Soldier Finds Peace Fostering Pets, Finding them Homes - Military.com
Former Soldier Finds Peace Fostering Pets, Finding them Homes  Military.com

Pets in Need: Gunner - Prescott Daily Courier
Pets in Need: Gunner  Prescott Daily Courier

Aug 2 FIVE things veterinarians need to know about CBD and pets - Jill Lopez
Aug 2 FIVE things veterinarians need to know about CBD and pets  Jill Lopez

PHOTOS: Gwinnett Animal Shelter Adoptable Pets of the Week -- Aug. 3 - Gwinnettdailypost.com
PHOTOS: Gwinnett Animal Shelter Adoptable Pets of the Week -- Aug. 3  Gwinnettdailypost.com

Carson City-based Pets of the Homeless host 11th nationwide pet food and supply drive - Carson Now
Carson City-based Pets of the Homeless host 11th nationwide pet food and supply drive  Carson Now

Did Colorado Parks And Wildlife Have To Kill That Pet Fox? - Colorado Public Radio
Did Colorado Parks And Wildlife Have To Kill That Pet Fox?  Colorado Public Radio

Pets of the Week August 3 - 7 - The Hartselle Enquirer - Hartselle Enquirer
Pets of the Week August 3 - 7 - The Hartselle Enquirer  Hartselle Enquirer

Is COVID-19 Stressing Out Your Pets? More Than You May Think! - Legal Reader
Is COVID-19 Stressing Out Your Pets? More Than You May Think!  Legal Reader

Majority of Pet Owners Give Their Pets Some Homemade Food - The Bark
Majority of Pet Owners Give Their Pets Some Homemade Food  The Bark

Adorable Adoptable Pets Of The Week For Baltimore County - Dundalk, MD Patch
Adorable Adoptable Pets Of The Week For Baltimore County  Dundalk, MD Patch

Record spike in pet adoptions, fostering amid pandemic - KSAT San Antonio
Record spike in pet adoptions, fostering amid pandemic  KSAT San Antonio

Knox PAWS in need of pet food, collars, leashes - WBIR.com
Knox PAWS in need of pet food, collars, leashes  WBIR.com

East Bay pets of the week for Aug. 7 - East Bay Times
East Bay pets of the week for Aug. 7  East Bay Times

Seattle Fire Department Urges Residents Not To Leave Kids Or Pets In The Car - Patch.com
Seattle Fire Department Urges Residents Not To Leave Kids Or Pets In The Car  Patch.com

Clarksville area Pets of the Week for August 5th, 2020 - Clarksville, TN Online - Clarksville Online
Clarksville area Pets of the Week for August 5th, 2020 - Clarksville, TN Online  Clarksville Online

Clear the Shelters campaign aims to find pets forever homes - KSNB
Clear the Shelters campaign aims to find pets forever homes  KSNB

Keep pets clear of Blue-green algae | Community | capjournal.com - The Capital Journal
Keep pets clear of Blue-green algae | Community | capjournal.com  The Capital Journal

Roice-Hurst Pet of the Week: 'Meet Gryffin - KJCT
Roice-Hurst Pet of the Week: 'Meet Gryffin  KJCT

N.J. pets in need: Aug. 3, 2020 - nj.com
N.J. pets in need: Aug. 3, 2020  nj.com

People, pets rescued from home in Cherry Grove after high water levels - WBTW
People, pets rescued from home in Cherry Grove after high water levels  WBTW

Madison apartment fire displaces 5 people, 3 pets - Channel3000.com - WISC-TV3
Madison apartment fire displaces 5 people, 3 pets  Channel3000.com - WISC-TV3

SNIPPETS: Pet cat taking advantage of every opportunity - Theredstonerocket
SNIPPETS: Pet cat taking advantage of every opportunity  Theredstonerocket

Take veterinary advice from a vet, not a pet food store - Los Angeles Times
Take veterinary advice from a vet, not a pet food store  Los Angeles Times

App Uses Pet Selfies to ID Shelter Pets - Bay News 9
App Uses Pet Selfies to ID Shelter Pets  Bay News 9

This Pet Stock Can Be an Investor's Best Friend - Motley Fool
This Pet Stock Can Be an Investor's Best Friend  Motley Fool

Clear the Shelters 2020: How you can help pets find their forever home - WKYC.com
Clear the Shelters 2020: How you can help pets find their forever home  WKYC.com

Pet stores in Kitsap can no longer sell animals from large-scale commercial breeders - Kitsap Sun
Pet stores in Kitsap can no longer sell animals from large-scale commercial breeders  Kitsap Sun

Pets perish in morning Streetsboro mobile home blaze, firefighters say - WJW FOX 8 News Cleveland
Pets perish in morning Streetsboro mobile home blaze, firefighters say  WJW FOX 8 News Cleveland

Erie Humane Society to Host Bark & Brunch Pet Adoption Day this Saturday - erienewsnow.com
Erie Humane Society to Host Bark & Brunch Pet Adoption Day this Saturday  erienewsnow.com

COVID-19 can affect pets; cases confirmed | AgriLife Today - AgriLife Today
COVID-19 can affect pets; cases confirmed | AgriLife Today  AgriLife Today

Businesses for Beauty, Pets, Hair and Clean Clothes Shut Their Doors - westsiderag.com
Businesses for Beauty, Pets, Hair and Clean Clothes Shut Their Doors  westsiderag.com

2 dogs test positive, marking Japan's 1st reported pet infections - Kyodo News Plus
2 dogs test positive, marking Japan's 1st reported pet infections  Kyodo News Plus

KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Chase - KCBD
KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Chase  KCBD

Happy as pigs in mud: Harrisburg girl navigates disability with assistance pet - Corvallis Gazette Times
Happy as pigs in mud: Harrisburg girl navigates disability with assistance pet  Corvallis Gazette Times

Palm Valley Animal Society launches pet food drive-thru - KGBT-TV
Palm Valley Animal Society launches pet food drive-thru  KGBT-TV

Pets of the week: Phineas, Ferb and Rico need homes - MLive.com
Pets of the week: Phineas, Ferb and Rico need homes  MLive.com

Quad City Pet Care: Mobile Vet - KWQC-TV6
Quad City Pet Care: Mobile Vet  KWQC-TV6

Pet of the Week: 8/4/20 - WANE
Pet of the Week: 8/4/20  WANE

Pet of the Week: Zach - KEZI TV
Pet of the Week: Zach  KEZI TV

Smart Pets Food Dispenser Market 2025 Insights Analysis and 11 Company Profiles (Feed and Go, Jempet, Petnet, Radio Systems (PetSafe), More) - Market Research Posts
Smart Pets Food Dispenser Market 2025 Insights Analysis and 11 Company Profiles (Feed and Go, Jempet, Petnet, Radio Systems (PetSafe), More)  Market Research Posts

Waggin' Wednesday: Why You Might Consider A Pet Rat - CapeCod.com News
Waggin' Wednesday: Why You Might Consider A Pet Rat  CapeCod.com News

All About Pets: Obesity, a preventable disease in animals - Prescott Daily Courier
All About Pets: Obesity, a preventable disease in animals  Prescott Daily Courier

Owners warned stop kissing pets as U.K. latest to sound the alert over cat infected with coronavirus - MarketWatch
Owners warned stop kissing pets as U.K. latest to sound the alert over cat infected with coronavirus  MarketWatch

KC Pet Project sees uptick in surrendered animals due to evictions - KSHB
KC Pet Project sees uptick in surrendered animals due to evictions  KSHB

Meet our pets of the week: A cat, a Lab mix and a horse - STLtoday.com
Meet our pets of the week: A cat, a Lab mix and a horse  STLtoday.com

Pandemic Puts Strain on Pet Care Providers - WDET
Pandemic Puts Strain on Pet Care Providers  WDET

Adopt-A-Pet: Dumpling from the Goathouse Refuge - Chapelboro.com
Adopt-A-Pet: Dumpling from the Goathouse Refuge  Chapelboro.com

Lost dog found safe after escaping Banfield Pet Hospital in Brandon 5 days ago - ABC Action News
Lost dog found safe after escaping Banfield Pet Hospital in Brandon 5 days ago  ABC Action News

Pet owners shouldn't panic about the dog that died after COVID-19 infection - CNET
Pet owners shouldn't panic about the dog that died after COVID-19 infection  CNET

Michigan Pet Fund Alliance gives out Out of the Box Awards - Iosco County News Herald
Michigan Pet Fund Alliance gives out Out of the Box Awards  Iosco County News Herald

Adopt a pet: Oklahoma City-area pet adoption options - Oklahoman.com
Adopt a pet: Oklahoma City-area pet adoption options  Oklahoman.com

There’s no better time to adopt one of these 13 adorable pets: Aug. 1-2 - SILive.com
There’s no better time to adopt one of these 13 adorable pets: Aug. 1-2  SILive.com

RV Travel With Pets, Part 1: Safety On The Road - Forbes
RV Travel With Pets, Part 1: Safety On The Road  Forbes

Hollywood-backed activist endangered pets by treating them with his own products, veterinarians say - KTLA
Hollywood-backed activist endangered pets by treating them with his own products, veterinarians say  KTLA

Only 24/7 Rochester-area animal ER forced to turn pets away - WHEC
Only 24/7 Rochester-area animal ER forced to turn pets away  WHEC

Three family pets missing after huge blaze at northwest Bexar County home - KENS5.com
Three family pets missing after huge blaze at northwest Bexar County home  KENS5.com

How to reduce anxiety for pets, according to an expert - TODAY
How to reduce anxiety for pets, according to an expert  TODAY

Homeward Bound: Pets' Incredible COVID-19 Journeys To Reunite With Owners - NPR
Homeward Bound: Pets' Incredible COVID-19 Journeys To Reunite With Owners  NPR

MPD: Man hits woman in face, steals pet lizard - Channel3000.com - WISC-TV3
MPD: Man hits woman in face, steals pet lizard  Channel3000.com - WISC-TV3

Covid-19 kept them separated from their pets for months. So they've chartered a plane to bring them home - CNN
Covid-19 kept them separated from their pets for months. So they've chartered a plane to bring them home  CNN

Pet Vet: Cancer in Pets - WNDU
Pet Vet: Cancer in Pets  WNDU

Rare Chinese Vase Found in Pet-Filled Home Sells for $9 Million - Smithsonian Magazine
Rare Chinese Vase Found in Pet-Filled Home Sells for $9 Million  Smithsonian Magazine

Colorado Springs woman devastated after CPW euthanizes her pet fox - KRDO
Colorado Springs woman devastated after CPW euthanizes her pet fox  KRDO

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