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Clipper Experiments: A Tail in Two Parts


Poor Dog. Subjected to my most ambitious experiments, she still falls for the old line, "C'mon, Honey, it'll be FUN!" Grooming the Dog and Fun do not belong in the same sentence together. This is a fact.

I bought some handy Oster clippers at the pet store a while back. Even while I stood waiting my turn at the cash register, I could hear Honey's tiny little scream in the back of my head . . . "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" But I did not listen. I forged ahead. Do you have any idea what it costs to get a dog like that groomed? She's half Chow, half Golden Retriever, with the chow's thick fur.

I am not a fan of instructions. I will read instructions if absolutely necessary, if forced to, but in most cases I will just learn on-the-job. This can be hazardous for certain tasks. Like electrical wiring, perhaps, which is why I don't do any of that. So I read enough of the instructions to get a comb thingie attached to the clippers, oiling them first.

Honey is not a big fan of buzzing objects. I don't know why this is. Perhaps she was scared by a loud buzzing object when she was a puppy. Maybe it's just annoying. Maybe the sight of me holding a buzzing object strikes terror into her little canine heart. I don't know. But she will cooperate somewhat, as long as I concentrate on the areas she wants me to concentrate on, and avoid the areas she wants me to avoid. I, however, do not believe in humoring her in this way. What? You don't want me to clip around your butt? Okay, that's where I want to then. You don't want to lose all that fur around your neck? Okay, off with it!

Every so often, or more frequently, she'll get up and wander off in a vain attempt to avoid the clippers. Since we're on a small deck and she can't escape back into the house, I just move closer to her. It's very aggravating to her, I'm sure, but we're really not there for her amusement, but for mine, so I don't care. She'll sit, or lay, and as I gently run the clippers through her fur, with tufts of it falling here and there, I can see her sighing to herself. It is a trial. But I am having fun! There is fur falling off in piles!

I do not read the instructions, nor do I have any training in this sort of activity. That is obvious from what is occurring with the poor dog. A portion of a back leg is clipped, so the fur there is white. A centimeter away, the fur is not clipped, so it long and golden. Her ruff is the same. It is not my fault. She was sitting quietly for a couple of minutes so I experimented with the ruff. I have discovered that when my dog's excessive ruff is reduced, she looks fatter. Let this be a lesson to us all: want to look thinner? Get more hair around an already fat neck.

I have been told that when I have worked on my dog it is embarrassing for her as the other dogs will point and laugh, but I don't think this is true. I don't think dogs CARE what they look like, and I don't think other dogs are that interested in what other dogs look like as much as they're interested in what they smell like. And my dog smells good. Well, she smells like a dog, but she's fine with that.

After being "groomed" rather haphazardly for awhile, Honey develops a new trick. She stands and she gets right up next to me. Since I'm sitting on my crossed legs, she's as big as I am, and she stands as close to me as she can get. A solid immoveable object jammed up against me. Awwww, my dog loves me! Well, yes, of course she does, but that is not the point of this particular exercise. The point of this particular exercise is to make sure I can't use the clippers on her anymore. How can I when she's jammed up next to me? I try pushing her away, but she won't move. She acts as if she doesn't know what's going on. As if she's there just to be close to me, as if she doesn't know what I'm trying to do . . .

The dog is stubborn. I think she gets it from me.

When we finish, it's not because we're finished, not by any stretch of the imagination. The dog is a patchwork quilt of uneven fur, choppy in some places, long and silky in others. And it's not because, despite the title, I have managed to clip her tale in two. It is because the job, to do properly, would take eight hours straight and I don't have the energy, the stamina, or the will to do so. Frankly, we're not that interested in perfection. That's boring. We're after a unique look, and I think we've achieved that. There is no other dog that looks like this, not once I've finished with her.

She stands alone, a testament to amateurism and on-the-job training. It's the American way.

Monique Young writes humor for a living, when she isn't keeping books or doing taxes. Her dog, Honey, does nothing useful but is fun to watch. She (Monique, not Honey), can be reached at monique@moniquewrites.com (website currently under construction).


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Thu. November / 21 / 2019

Don’t feed pets these Thanksgiving foods - WWBT NBC12 News
Don’t feed pets these Thanksgiving foods  WWBT NBC12 News

Shelter Tails: Senior pets need love too - Times Herald-Record
Shelter Tails: Senior pets need love too  Times Herald-Record

Innovet Pet Releases Thanksgiving Food Guide For Keeping Pets Safe During The Holiday - PRNewswire
Innovet Pet Releases Thanksgiving Food Guide For Keeping Pets Safe During The Holiday  PRNewswire

6 Thanksgiving foods you should keep away from your pets - WNDU-TV
6 Thanksgiving foods you should keep away from your pets  WNDU-TV

Pets and renter’s insurance: Why you need it - Bankrate.com
Pets and renter’s insurance: Why you need it  Bankrate.com

Pets of the Week for Nov. 21 - Chico Enterprise-Record
Pets of the Week for Nov. 21  Chico Enterprise-Record

Massive ‘Borderlands 3’ Patch Buffs Moze’s Mech, FL4K’s Pets And Zane’s Everything - Forbes
Massive ‘Borderlands 3’ Patch Buffs Moze’s Mech, FL4K’s Pets And Zane’s Everything  Forbes

Pets of The Week Shelter List - Times Herald-Record
Pets of The Week Shelter List  Times Herald-Record

Petition seeks medical marijuana for ailing household pets - KOB
Petition seeks medical marijuana for ailing household pets  KOB

Pets on the Plaza: Meet Cosmos - 47abc - WMDT
Pets on the Plaza: Meet Cosmos - 47abc  WMDT

Thanksgiving table staples that could be toxic to your pets - Cleveland 19 News
Thanksgiving table staples that could be toxic to your pets  Cleveland 19 News

Facial recognition software to help find lost pets - WCTI12.com
Facial recognition software to help find lost pets  WCTI12.com

Losing a pet is tough. That's why this program that helps pet owners deal with grief wants to expand - 10News
Losing a pet is tough. That's why this program that helps pet owners deal with grief wants to expand  10News

Pet events: Holiday events coming up for pets and people - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Pet events: Holiday events coming up for pets and people  Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

How Sasha the lost cat found his way home after 5 years and 1,300 miles - AZCentral
How Sasha the lost cat found his way home after 5 years and 1,300 miles  AZCentral

Long Beach City Council to consider increasing allowed pets from 4 to 6 to reduce animal euthanasia - Signal Tribune
Long Beach City Council to consider increasing allowed pets from 4 to 6 to reduce animal euthanasia  Signal Tribune

History of Heath's Haven Rescue & Sanctuary — How to Help Disabled Pets - WomansDay.com
History of Heath's Haven Rescue & Sanctuary — How to Help Disabled Pets  WomansDay.com

Petition seeks medical marijuana for ailing pets - KRQE News 13
Petition seeks medical marijuana for ailing pets  KRQE News 13

Keep human food away from pets - WJFW-TV
Keep human food away from pets  WJFW-TV

Mohawk School students create 100 blankets for homeless pets - The Macomb Daily
Mohawk School students create 100 blankets for homeless pets  The Macomb Daily

How to make sure your pet has a stress-free holiday - Yahoo Lifestyle
How to make sure your pet has a stress-free holiday  Yahoo Lifestyle

Pitt County Animal Shelter uses facial recognition to find lost pets - WITN
Pitt County Animal Shelter uses facial recognition to find lost pets  WITN

Holiday travel tips for pets - KFOX El Paso
Holiday travel tips for pets  KFOX El Paso

Le Mars student donates pet oxygen masks to help save pets - KCAU 9
Le Mars student donates pet oxygen masks to help save pets  KCAU 9

Kent County Animal Shelter waiving fees on adoptable pets - WZZM13.com
Kent County Animal Shelter waiving fees on adoptable pets  WZZM13.com

Local organization helps ensure pets aren't euthanized if owner can't afford emergency medical care - WKBW-TV
Local organization helps ensure pets aren't euthanized if owner can't afford emergency medical care  WKBW-TV

Frozen cat food recalled over salmonella risk posed to pets and owners - USA TODAY
Frozen cat food recalled over salmonella risk posed to pets and owners  USA TODAY

Pets, people, cows all pollute the Río Fernando - taosnews
Pets, people, cows all pollute the Río Fernando  taosnews

Ohio State program that is helping pet owners cope with grief hopes to expand across the US - News 5 Cleveland
Ohio State program that is helping pet owners cope with grief hopes to expand across the US  News 5 Cleveland

Cute kittens and dogs available for adoption in Yolo County | Pets of the Week - Woodland Daily Democrat
Cute kittens and dogs available for adoption in Yolo County | Pets of the Week  Woodland Daily Democrat

Petcurean Donates Meals to Feed Homeless Pets in New Mexico - Pet Business Magazine
Petcurean Donates Meals to Feed Homeless Pets in New Mexico  Pet Business Magazine

KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Carol - KCBD
KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Carol  KCBD

Is Your Pet at Risk For Breast Cancer? - NBC 6 South Florida
Is Your Pet at Risk For Breast Cancer?  NBC 6 South Florida

The pet industry's shift towards technology - Axios
The pet industry's shift towards technology  Axios

Meeting held on prevention tactics after pets attacked by coyotes in College Park - WESH 2 Orlando
Meeting held on prevention tactics after pets attacked by coyotes in College Park  WESH 2 Orlando

The Curious Tale of the Stolen Pets Out Today for PS VR - PlayStation.Blog
The Curious Tale of the Stolen Pets Out Today for PS VR  PlayStation.Blog

Freeze-Dried Pets Are Forever - Slate
Freeze-Dried Pets Are Forever  Slate

Pets Global launches new premium brand with high-meat, ancient grains - Pet Food Processing
Pets Global launches new premium brand with high-meat, ancient grains  Pet Food Processing

Pets on the Plaza: Meet Ozzy - 47abc - WMDT
Pets on the Plaza: Meet Ozzy - 47abc  WMDT

Local Carpet Cleaning Company Helps Out Our Homeless Pets in Columbus - WLTZ 38 NBC
Local Carpet Cleaning Company Helps Out Our Homeless Pets in Columbus  WLTZ 38 NBC

Boys & Girls Club collecting donations for needy pets this holiday season - KFOR Oklahoma City
Boys & Girls Club collecting donations for needy pets this holiday season  KFOR Oklahoma City

'They're like children': How to keep pets safe amid record-breaking cold weather - USA TODAY
'They're like children': How to keep pets safe amid record-breaking cold weather  USA TODAY

Thank you, Marie Collins; all about pets - Davie County Enterprise Record - Davie Enterprise Record
Thank you, Marie Collins; all about pets - Davie County Enterprise Record  Davie Enterprise Record

KPD Animal Control accepting pet supply donations - WVLT.TV
KPD Animal Control accepting pet supply donations  WVLT.TV

Marion County Pets: Colin, Flip and RJ - WCJB
Marion County Pets: Colin, Flip and RJ  WCJB

Adoption center has senior pets looking for a home - KOB
Adoption center has senior pets looking for a home  KOB

Area pets available for adoption (PHOTOS), Nov. 20, 2019 - OregonLive
Area pets available for adoption (PHOTOS), Nov. 20, 2019  OregonLive

Hotel Owners Challenge Ocean City's Pet Policy - WBOC-TV 16, Delmarvas News Leader, FOX 21 - - WBOC TV 16
Hotel Owners Challenge Ocean City's Pet Policy - WBOC-TV 16, Delmarvas News Leader, FOX 21 -  WBOC TV 16

Pups in tuxes and paw-dicures at pet-friendly Fur Ball to support PAWS Chicago - Chicago Tribune
Pups in tuxes and paw-dicures at pet-friendly Fur Ball to support PAWS Chicago  Chicago Tribune

Gov. Ivey awards $95K grant to provide shelter for pets belonging to victims of domestic violence - WSFA
Gov. Ivey awards $95K grant to provide shelter for pets belonging to victims of domestic violence  WSFA

Three People, Two Pets Escape Coventry House Fire - Coventry, RI Patch
Three People, Two Pets Escape Coventry House Fire  Coventry, RI Patch

Adoptable pets of the week at Animal Harbor in Nov. 21, 2019, edition - Winchester Herald Chronicle
Adoptable pets of the week at Animal Harbor in Nov. 21, 2019, edition  Winchester Herald Chronicle

Leon County Humane Society collecting pet food donations for seniors in need - WTXL ABC 27
Leon County Humane Society collecting pet food donations for seniors in need  WTXL ABC 27

Pet owners should be aware of traps and snares in Idaho - Idaho News
Pet owners should be aware of traps and snares in Idaho  Idaho News

Bells Will Be Ringing, Tails Will Be Wagging: Pet Owners to Spend an Average of $137 on Furry Friends During Holidays - PRNewswire
Bells Will Be Ringing, Tails Will Be Wagging: Pet Owners to Spend an Average of $137 on Furry Friends During Holidays  PRNewswire

Rabies confirmed in pet cat, Michigan county health officials say - MLive.com
Rabies confirmed in pet cat, Michigan county health officials say  MLive.com

Cat Food Sold Nationwide Is Recalled Over Risks To Pets And Humans - KFSM 5Newsonline
Cat Food Sold Nationwide Is Recalled Over Risks To Pets And Humans  KFSM 5Newsonline

Broome County Humane Society reminding pet owners of importance of spaying and neutering - WBNG-TV
Broome County Humane Society reminding pet owners of importance of spaying and neutering  WBNG-TV

Maleah Stringer column: More to do in helping pet owners in crisis - The Herald Bulletin
Maleah Stringer column: More to do in helping pet owners in crisis  The Herald Bulletin

Pet of the Week - Lamda - News8000.com - WKBT
Pet of the Week - Lamda  News8000.com - WKBT

Brookhaven Adoptable Pet Of The Week: Jasper - Patchogue, NY Patch
Brookhaven Adoptable Pet Of The Week: Jasper  Patchogue, NY Patch

Several pets dead, home damaged in Longview fire - KLTV
Several pets dead, home damaged in Longview fire  KLTV

Old dogs, new tricks: 10,000 pets needed for science - NBCNews.com
Old dogs, new tricks: 10,000 pets needed for science  NBCNews.com

Here's proof pets have unconditional love for their humans - WLWT Cincinnati
Here's proof pets have unconditional love for their humans  WLWT Cincinnati

Where do your pets fit in with your holiday plans? - WTOP
Where do your pets fit in with your holiday plans?  WTOP

Pet Startup Pawp Wants To Take A Bite Out Of Chewy - Forbes
Pet Startup Pawp Wants To Take A Bite Out Of Chewy  Forbes

Can my pet eat this? Holiday food tips for your pets - KRON4
Can my pet eat this? Holiday food tips for your pets  KRON4

Edgewater's Pet Mayor, Pax The Goat, Leads Effort To Raise Funds For Local Dog Park - Block Club Chicago
Edgewater's Pet Mayor, Pax The Goat, Leads Effort To Raise Funds For Local Dog Park  Block Club Chicago

City warns pet owners to be wary of weather - Monitor
City warns pet owners to be wary of weather  Monitor

NJ pets in need: Nov. 18, 2019 - NJ.com
NJ pets in need: Nov. 18, 2019  NJ.com

Low-cost pet adoption events coming to Solano - Fairfield Daily Republic
Low-cost pet adoption events coming to Solano  Fairfield Daily Republic

Pets Get An Oppawtunity To Explore David Lawrence Center - CBS Pittsburgh
Pets Get An Oppawtunity To Explore David Lawrence Center  CBS Pittsburgh

18 Bookish Gifts for Animal Lovers (and Pets!) - Book Riot
18 Bookish Gifts for Animal Lovers (and Pets!)  Book Riot

ARL rescues 26 pets from Des Moines feces-filled home, cages - KCCI Des Moines
ARL rescues 26 pets from Des Moines feces-filled home, cages  KCCI Des Moines

Free preventative care clinic for pets for low-income, homeless pet owners happening Monday - KSAT San Antonio
Free preventative care clinic for pets for low-income, homeless pet owners happening Monday  KSAT San Antonio

Pet of the Week: Hayden - Lewiston Sun Journal
Pet of the Week: Hayden  Lewiston Sun Journal

Family says 4-pound dog squashed by FedEx box; pet is euthanized - Los Angeles Times
Family says 4-pound dog squashed by FedEx box; pet is euthanized  Los Angeles Times

The best pet and animal related gifts of 2019 - Los Angeles Times
The best pet and animal related gifts of 2019  Los Angeles Times

Cat food sold nationwide is recalled over Salmonella risk to pets, humans - KATU
Cat food sold nationwide is recalled over Salmonella risk to pets, humans  KATU

Protecting your pets from the cold - WITN
Protecting your pets from the cold  WITN

Adoptable pets from Arizona Humane Society and Maricopa County Animal Care (11/19/2019) - ABC15 Arizona
Adoptable pets from Arizona Humane Society and Maricopa County Animal Care (11/19/2019)  ABC15 Arizona

Pet Parents: This Is Your Holiday-Travel Essential - Refinery29
Pet Parents: This Is Your Holiday-Travel Essential  Refinery29

Dubuque Fire Department receives donation of pet oxygen masks - KCRG
Dubuque Fire Department receives donation of pet oxygen masks  KCRG

Lost And Found Pets Of Will County: Week of Nov. 18 - Mokena, IL Patch
Lost And Found Pets Of Will County: Week of Nov. 18  Mokena, IL Patch

Now You Can Turn that Ugly Holiday Sweater You Want to Regift Into a Cute Toy for Your Pet - PEOPLE.com
Now You Can Turn that Ugly Holiday Sweater You Want to Regift Into a Cute Toy for Your Pet  PEOPLE.com

Wet Nose Wednesday Pet: Max - RADIO.COM
Wet Nose Wednesday Pet: Max  RADIO.COM

For Pet's Sake: Learn proper nail care for your pets - WCYB
For Pet's Sake: Learn proper nail care for your pets  WCYB

Nashville Is Going to the Dogs in a Good Way — And Your City Can Too! - PEOPLE.com
Nashville Is Going to the Dogs in a Good Way — And Your City Can Too!  PEOPLE.com

Pets of the Week - Clarksville Now
Pets of the Week  Clarksville Now

Ohio State program helps pet owners cope during grief process - The Ohio State University News
Ohio State program helps pet owners cope during grief process  The Ohio State University News

The Adoptables: Pets of the week (11/20/19) | Gallery - Fredericksburg.com
The Adoptables: Pets of the week (11/20/19) | Gallery  Fredericksburg.com

Islip Adoptable Pet Of The Week: Giggles - West Islip, NY Patch
Islip Adoptable Pet Of The Week: Giggles  West Islip, NY Patch

Hurricane Katrina inspired a national pet evacuation policy. The plan could save human lives, too. - Vox.com
Hurricane Katrina inspired a national pet evacuation policy. The plan could save human lives, too.  Vox.com

'Bring your pets inside.' MACC on protecting your pets in the cold - NewsChannel5.com
'Bring your pets inside.' MACC on protecting your pets in the cold  NewsChannel5.com

Nicholas Pet Haven in need of holiday fosters - KETK | FOX51 | EastTexasMatters.com
Nicholas Pet Haven in need of holiday fosters  KETK | FOX51 | EastTexasMatters.com

Scientists develop sensor to save children and pets from hot car deaths - CNN
Scientists develop sensor to save children and pets from hot car deaths  CNN

Pets of the week: Abandoned by his owner, pretty Marshmallow needs some love - MLive.com
Pets of the week: Abandoned by his owner, pretty Marshmallow needs some love  MLive.com

Former Casper execs launch DTC pet wellness company Jinx - Digiday
Former Casper execs launch DTC pet wellness company Jinx  Digiday

Area pets available for adoption (PHOTOS), Nov. 13, 2019 - OregonLive
Area pets available for adoption (PHOTOS), Nov. 13, 2019  OregonLive

Pet Talk | A new treatment for broken bones - Champaign/Urbana News-Gazette
Pet Talk | A new treatment for broken bones  Champaign/Urbana News-Gazette

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