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Clipper Experiments: A Tail in Two Parts


Poor Dog. Subjected to my most ambitious experiments, she still falls for the old line, "C'mon, Honey, it'll be FUN!" Grooming the Dog and Fun do not belong in the same sentence together. This is a fact.

I bought some handy Oster clippers at the pet store a while back. Even while I stood waiting my turn at the cash register, I could hear Honey's tiny little scream in the back of my head . . . "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" But I did not listen. I forged ahead. Do you have any idea what it costs to get a dog like that groomed? She's half Chow, half Golden Retriever, with the chow's thick fur.

I am not a fan of instructions. I will read instructions if absolutely necessary, if forced to, but in most cases I will just learn on-the-job. This can be hazardous for certain tasks. Like electrical wiring, perhaps, which is why I don't do any of that. So I read enough of the instructions to get a comb thingie attached to the clippers, oiling them first.

Honey is not a big fan of buzzing objects. I don't know why this is. Perhaps she was scared by a loud buzzing object when she was a puppy. Maybe it's just annoying. Maybe the sight of me holding a buzzing object strikes terror into her little canine heart. I don't know. But she will cooperate somewhat, as long as I concentrate on the areas she wants me to concentrate on, and avoid the areas she wants me to avoid. I, however, do not believe in humoring her in this way. What? You don't want me to clip around your butt? Okay, that's where I want to then. You don't want to lose all that fur around your neck? Okay, off with it!

Every so often, or more frequently, she'll get up and wander off in a vain attempt to avoid the clippers. Since we're on a small deck and she can't escape back into the house, I just move closer to her. It's very aggravating to her, I'm sure, but we're really not there for her amusement, but for mine, so I don't care. She'll sit, or lay, and as I gently run the clippers through her fur, with tufts of it falling here and there, I can see her sighing to herself. It is a trial. But I am having fun! There is fur falling off in piles!

I do not read the instructions, nor do I have any training in this sort of activity. That is obvious from what is occurring with the poor dog. A portion of a back leg is clipped, so the fur there is white. A centimeter away, the fur is not clipped, so it long and golden. Her ruff is the same. It is not my fault. She was sitting quietly for a couple of minutes so I experimented with the ruff. I have discovered that when my dog's excessive ruff is reduced, she looks fatter. Let this be a lesson to us all: want to look thinner? Get more hair around an already fat neck.

I have been told that when I have worked on my dog it is embarrassing for her as the other dogs will point and laugh, but I don't think this is true. I don't think dogs CARE what they look like, and I don't think other dogs are that interested in what other dogs look like as much as they're interested in what they smell like. And my dog smells good. Well, she smells like a dog, but she's fine with that.

After being "groomed" rather haphazardly for awhile, Honey develops a new trick. She stands and she gets right up next to me. Since I'm sitting on my crossed legs, she's as big as I am, and she stands as close to me as she can get. A solid immoveable object jammed up against me. Awwww, my dog loves me! Well, yes, of course she does, but that is not the point of this particular exercise. The point of this particular exercise is to make sure I can't use the clippers on her anymore. How can I when she's jammed up next to me? I try pushing her away, but she won't move. She acts as if she doesn't know what's going on. As if she's there just to be close to me, as if she doesn't know what I'm trying to do . . .

The dog is stubborn. I think she gets it from me.

When we finish, it's not because we're finished, not by any stretch of the imagination. The dog is a patchwork quilt of uneven fur, choppy in some places, long and silky in others. And it's not because, despite the title, I have managed to clip her tale in two. It is because the job, to do properly, would take eight hours straight and I don't have the energy, the stamina, or the will to do so. Frankly, we're not that interested in perfection. That's boring. We're after a unique look, and I think we've achieved that. There is no other dog that looks like this, not once I've finished with her.

She stands alone, a testament to amateurism and on-the-job training. It's the American way.

Monique Young writes humor for a living, when she isn't keeping books or doing taxes. Her dog, Honey, does nothing useful but is fun to watch. She (Monique, not Honey), can be reached at [email protected] (website currently under construction).


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Mon. June / 17 / 2024

Nationwide drops pet insurance for 100,000 policyholders - USA TODAY
Nationwide drops pet insurance for 100,000 policyholders  USA TODAY

More than 4,000 additional robotic pets to be given to seniors in New York to combat loneliness - ABC News
More than 4,000 additional robotic pets to be given to seniors in New York to combat loneliness  ABC News

Bird Flu Is Infecting Cats (and the Occasional Dog). Here's What to Know. - The New York Times
Bird Flu Is Infecting Cats (and the Occasional Dog). Here's What to Know.  The New York Times

Tim Dowling: our family’s fussiest eaters? That would be the pets - The Guardian
Tim Dowling: our family’s fussiest eaters? That would be the pets  The Guardian

Woman upset over not being invited to dinner party because of her stance on pet cats - The Independent
Woman upset over not being invited to dinner party because of her stance on pet cats  The Independent

29 Pet Products That'll Actually Complement Your Home Decor - BuzzFeed
29 Pet Products That'll Actually Complement Your Home Decor  BuzzFeed

West Mifflin leaders answer questions about ordinance limiting pets - CBS Pittsburgh
West Mifflin leaders answer questions about ordinance limiting pets  CBS Pittsburgh

Multnomah County Animal Services announces pet adoption sale as kennels reach capacity - KOIN.com
Multnomah County Animal Services announces pet adoption sale as kennels reach capacity  KOIN.com

Signs of heatstroke in pets; what signs to look out for - 10TV
Signs of heatstroke in pets; what signs to look out for  10TV

Heat advisory: tips to keep you and your pets safe from heat-related illness - WKBN.com
Heat advisory: tips to keep you and your pets safe from heat-related illness  WKBN.com

7 pets found dead, 16 pets found in neglectful conditions in Canton home; Couple charged - Cleveland 19 News
7 pets found dead, 16 pets found in neglectful conditions in Canton home; Couple charged  Cleveland 19 News

Internet Obsessed With Dog Using Pet Cam to Let Mom Know He 'Needs a Treat' - Newsweek
Internet Obsessed With Dog Using Pet Cam to Let Mom Know He 'Needs a Treat'  Newsweek

Protecting your pets from the scorching heat - WSLS 10
Protecting your pets from the scorching heat  WSLS 10

Pets of the week | Local | journalgazette.net - Fort Wayne Journal Gazette
Pets of the week | Local | journalgazette.net  Fort Wayne Journal Gazette

54 pets adopted during BISSELL's 'Empty the Shelters' | Community News | postandcourier.com - The Post and Courier
54 pets adopted during BISSELL's 'Empty the Shelters' | Community News | postandcourier.com  The Post and Courier

Newlyweds, crowd, pets gather at Turning Brook car show - Alpena News
Newlyweds, crowd, pets gather at Turning Brook car show  Alpena News

Brett Yates: Housing that makes room for pets is good for business - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Brett Yates: Housing that makes room for pets is good for business  Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Protecting pets from extreme heat during the summer - Fox Carolina
Protecting pets from extreme heat during the summer  Fox Carolina

Keep outdoor pets safe during summer heat - The Oxford Eagle - Oxford Eagle
Keep outdoor pets safe during summer heat - The Oxford Eagle  Oxford Eagle

Select Clarksville Pets of the Week for June 17th, 2024 - Clarksville Online
Select Clarksville Pets of the Week for June 17th, 2024  Clarksville Online

Protecting pets’ paws in the summer heat - KSNF/KODE - FourStatesHomepage.com
Protecting pets’ paws in the summer heat  KSNF/KODE - FourStatesHomepage.com

How to keep your pets safe in the heat - WUSA9.com
How to keep your pets safe in the heat  WUSA9.com

Nationwide Pet Shedding 100,000 Policies - Insurance Journal
Nationwide Pet Shedding 100,000 Policies  Insurance Journal

First look inside Aquatic Pets: quite possibly Wichita's largest fish store - Wichita By E.B.
First look inside Aquatic Pets: quite possibly Wichita's largest fish store  Wichita By E.B.

Short Interest in Pets at Home Group Plc (OTCMKTS:PAHGF) Declines By 20.4% - Defense World
Short Interest in Pets at Home Group Plc (OTCMKTS:PAHGF) Declines By 20.4%  Defense World

‘Adventurous’ pet monkey reunited with owner after running loose - FOX 8 Local First
‘Adventurous’ pet monkey reunited with owner after running loose  FOX 8 Local First

Congratulations to the June RJN Pets of the Month - River Journal Staff
Congratulations to the June RJN Pets of the Month  River Journal Staff

Pa. borough considers limiting pets per household | Today in Pa. - PennLive
Pa. borough considers limiting pets per household | Today in Pa.  PennLive

Meet Snap, Crackle, Pop and Krispy- Pets of the Week | The Journal of the San Juan Islands - Journal of the San Juan Islands
Meet Snap, Crackle, Pop and Krispy- Pets of the Week | The Journal of the San Juan Islands  Journal of the San Juan Islands

Brentwood Certified as a 'Better Cities for Pets' Until 2027 - Williamson Source
Brentwood Certified as a 'Better Cities for Pets' Until 2027  Williamson Source

Upstate animals advocates warn against leaving pets in hot cars - WSPA 7News
Upstate animals advocates warn against leaving pets in hot cars  WSPA 7News

Heat wave hits DMV: How to keep your pets safe, spot heat exhaustion - DC News Now | Washington, DC
Heat wave hits DMV: How to keep your pets safe, spot heat exhaustion  DC News Now | Washington, DC

How to keep your pets cool and safe in CSRA's high temps - WRDW
How to keep your pets cool and safe in CSRA's high temps  WRDW

Over 200 pets found new homes at Best Friends' adoption event - KFSM 5Newsonline
Over 200 pets found new homes at Best Friends' adoption event  KFSM 5Newsonline

Around 200 pets adopted at Best Friends Animal Society ‘Super Adoption’ event - KNWA
Around 200 pets adopted at Best Friends Animal Society ‘Super Adoption’ event  KNWA

Make Summer Travel with Pets Enjoyable and Seamless - Tri-County Reporter - Tri-County Reporter
Make Summer Travel with Pets Enjoyable and Seamless - Tri-County Reporter  Tri-County Reporter

How to keep your pets cool and safe in CSRA’s high temps - WRDW
How to keep your pets cool and safe in CSRA’s high temps  WRDW

Pet peeve: West Mifflin says cat, dog, chicken ownership should be limited - 90.5 WESA
Pet peeve: West Mifflin says cat, dog, chicken ownership should be limited  90.5 WESA

We Figured Out Why This Electric Nail File For Pets Has So Many Positive Ratings - HuffPost
We Figured Out Why This Electric Nail File For Pets Has So Many Positive Ratings  HuffPost

Pet bearded dragons carry salmonella outbreak to Georgia - WRDW
Pet bearded dragons carry salmonella outbreak to Georgia  WRDW

Protect pets during the dog days of summer - Jacksonville Daily Progress
Protect pets during the dog days of summer  Jacksonville Daily Progress

Keeping outdoor pets safe during extreme heat - The Cullman Tribune
Keeping outdoor pets safe during extreme heat  The Cullman Tribune

So I Tried… Pet the Pup at the Party - GameGrin
So I Tried… Pet the Pup at the Party  GameGrin

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

West Mifflin considering putting limit on pets per household - CBS Pittsburgh
West Mifflin considering putting limit on pets per household  CBS Pittsburgh

KPRC 2 Pet Project: Meet Albie, the sweet and sassy cat - KPRC Click2Houston
KPRC 2 Pet Project: Meet Albie, the sweet and sassy cat  KPRC Click2Houston

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

Pets with Potential: Meet Mia, Phellony and Ampersand - WCAX
Pets with Potential: Meet Mia, Phellony and Ampersand  WCAX

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

First Annual Brighton Pack of Dogs Pet Parade Held - WHMI
First Annual Brighton Pack of Dogs Pet Parade Held  WHMI

Animal Defense League waives pet adoption fees for Father's Day - FOX 29
Animal Defense League waives pet adoption fees for Father's Day  FOX 29

Pet Scene: Summit County's adoptable pets for the week of June 16 - Summit Daily
Pet Scene: Summit County's adoptable pets for the week of June 16  Summit Daily

Pet of the Week: Cinnabun | News | bristolpress.com - The Bristol Press
Pet of the Week: Cinnabun | News | bristolpress.com  The Bristol Press

Four pets die in house fire in Augusta on Eidson Drive on Saturday - The Augusta Chronicle
Four pets die in house fire in Augusta on Eidson Drive on Saturday  The Augusta Chronicle

Rainy weather brings toxic cane toads. How to keep your pets safe from invasive species - Naples Daily News
Rainy weather brings toxic cane toads. How to keep your pets safe from invasive species  Naples Daily News

PET OF THE WEEK: Catalina - Odessa American
PET OF THE WEEK: Catalina  Odessa American

WHAT'S THE MOST UNUSUAL PET YOU'VE EVER HAD? (PART TWO) | KMVU Fox 26 Medford - KMVU Fox 26 Medford
WHAT'S THE MOST UNUSUAL PET YOU'VE EVER HAD? (PART TWO) | KMVU Fox 26 Medford  KMVU Fox 26 Medford

PETS MISSING AFTER SPRING VALLEY HOUSE FIRE - East County Magazine
PETS MISSING AFTER SPRING VALLEY HOUSE FIRE  East County Magazine

Pawsitive Life Rescue hosts low-cost pet vaccine - KRQE News 13
Pawsitive Life Rescue hosts low-cost pet vaccine  KRQE News 13

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

Ticked off! @bad pet owners - Ticked off! @bad pet owners - Orlando Sentinel
Ticked off! @bad pet owners - Ticked off! @bad pet owners  Orlando Sentinel

Pet of the Week: Meet Adrian - The Gazette
Pet of the Week: Meet Adrian  The Gazette

Big dogs vs. small dogs (and rescue dogs make the best pets) - Ontario Argus Observer
Big dogs vs. small dogs (and rescue dogs make the best pets)  Ontario Argus Observer

Pets of the Week: June 16, 2024 | Lifestyles | marshallnewsmessenger.com - Marshall News Messenger
Pets of the Week: June 16, 2024 | Lifestyles | marshallnewsmessenger.com  Marshall News Messenger

Congratulations to the June 2024 River Journal Pet of the Month - River Journal Staff
Congratulations to the June 2024 River Journal Pet of the Month  River Journal Staff

Pet Talk: Mental disabilities in pets - Sentinel & Enterprise
Pet Talk: Mental disabilities in pets  Sentinel & Enterprise

Multiple Pets Deceased and Rescued from Sweltering Vehicles in Las Vegas - ONSCENE.TV - ONSCENE.TV
Multiple Pets Deceased and Rescued from Sweltering Vehicles in Las Vegas - ONSCENE.TV  ONSCENE.TV

Pet Bearded Dragons Pose Salmonella Danger, CDC Warns - News-shield
Pet Bearded Dragons Pose Salmonella Danger, CDC Warns  News-shield

‘Pets on Main’ Parade and Fundraiser: Grabill Chamber of Commerce holds event in support of Loyal K9 Rescue - 21 Alive News
‘Pets on Main’ Parade and Fundraiser: Grabill Chamber of Commerce holds event in support of Loyal K9 Rescue  21 Alive News

Pets of the Week: Mouse and Mona | Features | dcourier.com - Prescott Daily Courier
Pets of the Week: Mouse and Mona | Features | dcourier.com  Prescott Daily Courier

Police warn residents after several children shoot Orbeez guns at adults, pets in Gloucester Township, Camden County ... - WPVI-TV
Police warn residents after several children shoot Orbeez guns at adults, pets in Gloucester Township, Camden County ...  WPVI-TV

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

Ivy League salaries, Ozempic for pets, and online passport renewal: Lifestyle news roundup - Quartz
Ivy League salaries, Ozempic for pets, and online passport renewal: Lifestyle news roundup  Quartz

The ground gets much hotter than the air during the summer - WTHR
The ground gets much hotter than the air during the summer  WTHR

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

Pets of the Week - Manning Live
Pets of the Week  Manning Live

PET OF THE WEEK | Tyson - Texarkana Gazette
PET OF THE WEEK | Tyson  Texarkana Gazette

Pets of the week: Rufus is unusual for Michigan. Sushi loves treats - MLive.com
Pets of the week: Rufus is unusual for Michigan. Sushi loves treats  MLive.com

After-hours pet care clinic to open its first NYC location in Staten Island - SILive.com
After-hours pet care clinic to open its first NYC location in Staten Island  SILive.com

Fireworks and Pets: Ensuring a Safe & Calm Celebration - Tigard Life
Fireworks and Pets: Ensuring a Safe & Calm Celebration  Tigard Life

Keep pets safe in the summer heat - Parkersburg - WTAP
Keep pets safe in the summer heat - Parkersburg  WTAP

Funny Rottweiler Finds Creative and Relaxing Use for Exercise Ball - Parade Pets
Funny Rottweiler Finds Creative and Relaxing Use for Exercise Ball  Parade Pets

Truckee-Tahoe – Pet of the Week: Skylar - Tahoe Daily Tribune
Truckee-Tahoe – Pet of the Week: Skylar  Tahoe Daily Tribune

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

Letters from readers: Beloved pets, genius of footballer Lionel Messi and weird favours - South China Morning Post
Letters from readers: Beloved pets, genius of footballer Lionel Messi and weird favours  South China Morning Post

Adopt Chaplin at Austin Pets Alive! - FOX 7 Austin
Adopt Chaplin at Austin Pets Alive!  FOX 7 Austin

'Pets on Main' Parade and Fundraiser: Grabill Chamber of Commerce holds event in support of Loyal K9 Rescue - 21 Alive News
'Pets on Main' Parade and Fundraiser: Grabill Chamber of Commerce holds event in support of Loyal K9 Rescue  21 Alive News

Humane Society gives advice on keeping pets cool in heat - WPSD Local 6
Humane Society gives advice on keeping pets cool in heat  WPSD Local 6

Keep Pets Safe During the Summer | Hot Springs Sentinel Record - Hot Springs Sentinel
Keep Pets Safe During the Summer | Hot Springs Sentinel Record  Hot Springs Sentinel

2 pets dead after Lexington house fire on Saturday - LEX 18 News - Lexington, KY
2 pets dead after Lexington house fire on Saturday  LEX 18 News - Lexington, KY

Over 1,000 pets up for adoption at Brandywine Valley SPCA event in Delaware this weekend - CBS News
Over 1,000 pets up for adoption at Brandywine Valley SPCA event in Delaware this weekend  CBS News

NASA's Laser Relay System Sends Pet Imagery to, from Space Station - NASA
NASA's Laser Relay System Sends Pet Imagery to, from Space Station  NASA

How smart pet technology, AI are helping (and possibly harming) pets - The Washington Post
How smart pet technology, AI are helping (and possibly harming) pets  The Washington Post

This NYC vet makes house calls. In 'Pets and the City,' she's penned a memoir full of tails - The Associated Press
This NYC vet makes house calls. In 'Pets and the City,' she's penned a memoir full of tails  The Associated Press

Researcher Warns Pet Cats Risk Getting Bird Flu and Possibly Infecting People | University of Maryland - University of Maryland | School of Public Health
Researcher Warns Pet Cats Risk Getting Bird Flu and Possibly Infecting People | University of Maryland  University of Maryland | School of Public Health

Pet Bearded Dragons Pose Salmonella Danger, CDC Warns - Lenoir News-Topic
Pet Bearded Dragons Pose Salmonella Danger, CDC Warns  Lenoir News-Topic

This popular reptilian pet is spreading salmonella in nine states: CDC - SILive.com
This popular reptilian pet is spreading salmonella in nine states: CDC  SILive.com

Experts warn of diphtheria-like illness that may spread between people, pets - UPI News
Experts warn of diphtheria-like illness that may spread between people, pets  UPI News

Sioux Falls Area Humane Society holding pet microchip clinic - Dakota News Now
Sioux Falls Area Humane Society holding pet microchip clinic  Dakota News Now

Truckers attest to stress-busting power of pets on the road - FreightWaves
Truckers attest to stress-busting power of pets on the road  FreightWaves

Diablo 4's New Pet Feature Is Breaking Builds - GameRant
Diablo 4's New Pet Feature Is Breaking Builds  GameRant

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