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Clipper Experiments: A Tail in Two Parts


Poor Dog. Subjected to my most ambitious experiments, she still falls for the old line, "C'mon, Honey, it'll be FUN!" Grooming the Dog and Fun do not belong in the same sentence together. This is a fact.

I bought some handy Oster clippers at the pet store a while back. Even while I stood waiting my turn at the cash register, I could hear Honey's tiny little scream in the back of my head . . . "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" But I did not listen. I forged ahead. Do you have any idea what it costs to get a dog like that groomed? She's half Chow, half Golden Retriever, with the chow's thick fur.

I am not a fan of instructions. I will read instructions if absolutely necessary, if forced to, but in most cases I will just learn on-the-job. This can be hazardous for certain tasks. Like electrical wiring, perhaps, which is why I don't do any of that. So I read enough of the instructions to get a comb thingie attached to the clippers, oiling them first.

Honey is not a big fan of buzzing objects. I don't know why this is. Perhaps she was scared by a loud buzzing object when she was a puppy. Maybe it's just annoying. Maybe the sight of me holding a buzzing object strikes terror into her little canine heart. I don't know. But she will cooperate somewhat, as long as I concentrate on the areas she wants me to concentrate on, and avoid the areas she wants me to avoid. I, however, do not believe in humoring her in this way. What? You don't want me to clip around your butt? Okay, that's where I want to then. You don't want to lose all that fur around your neck? Okay, off with it!

Every so often, or more frequently, she'll get up and wander off in a vain attempt to avoid the clippers. Since we're on a small deck and she can't escape back into the house, I just move closer to her. It's very aggravating to her, I'm sure, but we're really not there for her amusement, but for mine, so I don't care. She'll sit, or lay, and as I gently run the clippers through her fur, with tufts of it falling here and there, I can see her sighing to herself. It is a trial. But I am having fun! There is fur falling off in piles!

I do not read the instructions, nor do I have any training in this sort of activity. That is obvious from what is occurring with the poor dog. A portion of a back leg is clipped, so the fur there is white. A centimeter away, the fur is not clipped, so it long and golden. Her ruff is the same. It is not my fault. She was sitting quietly for a couple of minutes so I experimented with the ruff. I have discovered that when my dog's excessive ruff is reduced, she looks fatter. Let this be a lesson to us all: want to look thinner? Get more hair around an already fat neck.

I have been told that when I have worked on my dog it is embarrassing for her as the other dogs will point and laugh, but I don't think this is true. I don't think dogs CARE what they look like, and I don't think other dogs are that interested in what other dogs look like as much as they're interested in what they smell like. And my dog smells good. Well, she smells like a dog, but she's fine with that.

After being "groomed" rather haphazardly for awhile, Honey develops a new trick. She stands and she gets right up next to me. Since I'm sitting on my crossed legs, she's as big as I am, and she stands as close to me as she can get. A solid immoveable object jammed up against me. Awwww, my dog loves me! Well, yes, of course she does, but that is not the point of this particular exercise. The point of this particular exercise is to make sure I can't use the clippers on her anymore. How can I when she's jammed up next to me? I try pushing her away, but she won't move. She acts as if she doesn't know what's going on. As if she's there just to be close to me, as if she doesn't know what I'm trying to do . . .

The dog is stubborn. I think she gets it from me.

When we finish, it's not because we're finished, not by any stretch of the imagination. The dog is a patchwork quilt of uneven fur, choppy in some places, long and silky in others. And it's not because, despite the title, I have managed to clip her tale in two. It is because the job, to do properly, would take eight hours straight and I don't have the energy, the stamina, or the will to do so. Frankly, we're not that interested in perfection. That's boring. We're after a unique look, and I think we've achieved that. There is no other dog that looks like this, not once I've finished with her.

She stands alone, a testament to amateurism and on-the-job training. It's the American way.

Monique Young writes humor for a living, when she isn't keeping books or doing taxes. Her dog, Honey, does nothing useful but is fun to watch. She (Monique, not Honey), can be reached at [email protected] (website currently under construction).


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Mon. March / 01 / 2021

Horse farm in Scottsdale will soon be "dog hotel" for pets belonging to homeless - AZFamily
Horse farm in Scottsdale will soon be "dog hotel" for pets belonging to homeless  AZFamily

Longmont father-son duo take to skies to rescue homeless pets - Longmont Times-Call
Longmont father-son duo take to skies to rescue homeless pets  Longmont Times-Call

Animal Cares: Training With Love | Pets | caledonianrecord.com - Caledonian Record
Animal Cares: Training With Love | Pets | caledonianrecord.com  Caledonian Record

Pet hospice services help manage pain, anxiety and tough decisions in final days - ABC27
Pet hospice services help manage pain, anxiety and tough decisions in final days  ABC27

'Nobody forgot the animals': How Austin put lost, rescued pets before themselves in a crisis - Austin American-Statesman
'Nobody forgot the animals': How Austin put lost, rescued pets before themselves in a crisis  Austin American-Statesman

Pets, plants still in recovery after winter storm - Denton Record Chronicle
Pets, plants still in recovery after winter storm  Denton Record Chronicle

The Simpsons: All 23 Simpson Family Pets Explained | Screen Rant - Screen Rant
The Simpsons: All 23 Simpson Family Pets Explained | Screen Rant  Screen Rant

Scooby's Big Adventure: When pets go missing, who you gonna call? - Lewiston Sun Journal
Scooby's Big Adventure: When pets go missing, who you gonna call?  Lewiston Sun Journal

PETS OF THE WEEK | Lifestyle | djournal.com - Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal
PETS OF THE WEEK | Lifestyle | djournal.com  Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal

Regina King, Sarah Paulson and More Stars With Their Pets at the 2021 Golden Globes - Us Weekly
Regina King, Sarah Paulson and More Stars With Their Pets at the 2021 Golden Globes  Us Weekly

Fayette Humane Society gets grant to prepare shelter pets for adoption - The Citizen.com
Fayette Humane Society gets grant to prepare shelter pets for adoption  The Citizen.com

How heartworm affects household pets - Santa Clarita Valley Signal
How heartworm affects household pets  Santa Clarita Valley Signal

Regina King's Dog And More Pets Crashed The Golden Globes And It Improved The Show - Cinema Blend
Regina King's Dog And More Pets Crashed The Golden Globes And It Improved The Show  Cinema Blend

Prepping for pet separation anxiety after quarantine - OnMilwaukee.com
Prepping for pet separation anxiety after quarantine  OnMilwaukee.com

Airbnb Reveals Top Pet-Friendly Stays Around The World - Forbes
Airbnb Reveals Top Pet-Friendly Stays Around The World  Forbes

Here’s an idea: disaster planning for pets - WWNY
Here’s an idea: disaster planning for pets  WWNY

Caring for disabled pets: balancing medicine and compassion - DVM 360
Caring for disabled pets: balancing medicine and compassion  DVM 360

Around Town: Fire crew buys guinea pig for family who lost pets in garage fire - Palo Alto Online
Around Town: Fire crew buys guinea pig for family who lost pets in garage fire  Palo Alto Online

Adoptable pets in Tucson | Pets | tucson.com - Arizona Daily Star
Adoptable pets in Tucson | Pets | tucson.com  Arizona Daily Star

22 Truly Low-Maintenance Pets Because a Dog Is Out of the Question - Yahoo Lifestyle
22 Truly Low-Maintenance Pets Because a Dog Is Out of the Question  Yahoo Lifestyle

Miley Cyrus Tattoos: How the Singer Honors Her Pets With Her Ink - Showbiz Cheat Sheet
Miley Cyrus Tattoos: How the Singer Honors Her Pets With Her Ink  Showbiz Cheat Sheet

The Golden Globes’ Hottest Accessory This Year: Pets - Refinery29
The Golden Globes’ Hottest Accessory This Year: Pets  Refinery29

Speaking of Pets: Keep these toxic household items away from your cats - Vail Daily News
Speaking of Pets: Keep these toxic household items away from your cats  Vail Daily News

Bear and Clancy are a couple of the pets up for adoption in Saturday’s Tails and Paws - WJHL-TV News Channel 11
Bear and Clancy are a couple of the pets up for adoption in Saturday’s Tails and Paws  WJHL-TV News Channel 11

Directions 2021: New Seward plant turning out tasty treats for the nation's pets - Lincoln Journal Star
Directions 2021: New Seward plant turning out tasty treats for the nation's pets  Lincoln Journal Star

Pets of the week: A couple sweet, shy cats - Duluth News Tribune
Pets of the week: A couple sweet, shy cats  Duluth News Tribune

5 situations in which pets can be used for tax breaks - KSAT San Antonio
5 situations in which pets can be used for tax breaks  KSAT San Antonio

FWC approves ban on keeping invasive species as pets - Wink News - Wink News
FWC approves ban on keeping invasive species as pets - Wink News  Wink News

100 Texas pets coming to Massachusetts for adoption | Local News | gloucestertimes.com - Gloucester Daily Times
100 Texas pets coming to Massachusetts for adoption | Local News | gloucestertimes.com  Gloucester Daily Times

New Geauga County program helps keep pets in their home - WKYC.com
New Geauga County program helps keep pets in their home  WKYC.com

ICYMI: LI Animal Shelter Heads To Texas To Help Pets - Patch.com
ICYMI: LI Animal Shelter Heads To Texas To Help Pets  Patch.com

Pet food shortage is causing an effect on local animal shelters and stores - WFXRtv.com
Pet food shortage is causing an effect on local animal shelters and stores  WFXRtv.com

Available pets at area shelters | Lifestyles | joplinglobe.com - Joplin Globe
Available pets at area shelters | Lifestyles | joplinglobe.com  Joplin Globe

Sensa is ready to jump in the car and join you on your adventures - Stockton Record
Sensa is ready to jump in the car and join you on your adventures  Stockton Record

UK's Pets At Home sees FY profit ahead of expectations - Reuters
UK's Pets At Home sees FY profit ahead of expectations  Reuters

Cat food donations needed to feed local pets - newschannel20.com
Cat food donations needed to feed local pets  newschannel20.com

Dr. Fox: Cat constipation concerns | Pets | journalnow.com - Winston-Salem Journal
Dr. Fox: Cat constipation concerns | Pets | journalnow.com  Winston-Salem Journal

Pets with Potential: Meet Fernando - WCAX
Pets with Potential: Meet Fernando  WCAX

FOTAS: Fostering Aiken County shelter pets brings joy - Charleston Post Courier
FOTAS: Fostering Aiken County shelter pets brings joy  Charleston Post Courier

Integrative Pet Vet column: Cats and digestive disorders - Glenwood Springs Post Independent
Integrative Pet Vet column: Cats and digestive disorders  Glenwood Springs Post Independent

Austin Pets Alive! hopes to move 1K animals to shelters around the country after winter storms - KXAN.com
Austin Pets Alive! hopes to move 1K animals to shelters around the country after winter storms  KXAN.com

No Man’s Sky’s new pets are already causing chaos - Polygon
No Man’s Sky’s new pets are already causing chaos  Polygon

WATCH: Pets in Colorado have a snow day - 9News.com KUSA
WATCH: Pets in Colorado have a snow day  9News.com KUSA

People Will Look Like Their Pets in Alexandria - Virginia Connection Newspapers
People Will Look Like Their Pets in Alexandria  Virginia Connection Newspapers

Special Food Drive Making Sure Our Four-Legged Friends Don't Go Hungry - Bay News 9
Special Food Drive Making Sure Our Four-Legged Friends Don't Go Hungry  Bay News 9

Looking for a home: Adoptable pets in Lane County - The Register-Guard
Looking for a home: Adoptable pets in Lane County  The Register-Guard

7 must-have products that make being a pet owner effortless - Yahoo Sports
7 must-have products that make being a pet owner effortless  Yahoo Sports

House in east Sioux Falls catches fire, 2 pets killed - Argus Leader
House in east Sioux Falls catches fire, 2 pets killed  Argus Leader

Pets save lives in K-9 blood donation program - K-State Collegian
Pets save lives in K-9 blood donation program  K-State Collegian

Here's how to help pets and animals affected by Texas cold - Today.com
Here's how to help pets and animals affected by Texas cold  Today.com

Animal Justice Party calls for family violence law reform to help victims and their pets - ABC News
Animal Justice Party calls for family violence law reform to help victims and their pets  ABC News

Pampered Pets Valentine Exchange raises $2410 for animal rescue organization - Mooresville Tribune
Pampered Pets Valentine Exchange raises $2410 for animal rescue organization  Mooresville Tribune

Pets of the week: Joy is very affectionate and enjoys being a lap cat - Victoria Advocate
Pets of the week: Joy is very affectionate and enjoys being a lap cat  Victoria Advocate

Who knew? Surprising places that welcome pets - Buffalo News
Who knew? Surprising places that welcome pets  Buffalo News

More ways than ever to honor the lives of pets - MyEasternShoreMD
More ways than ever to honor the lives of pets  MyEasternShoreMD

Animal Tales: Pet food pantry coming to a town near you - Lewiston Sun Journal
Animal Tales: Pet food pantry coming to a town near you  Lewiston Sun Journal

Young-Williams Pet of the Week: Flossie Mae - WATE 6 On Your Side
Young-Williams Pet of the Week: Flossie Mae  WATE 6 On Your Side

Prestige Pet Peacocking Enters a New Phase. Is Your Dog Ready for Its Close-Up? - TownandCountrymag.com
Prestige Pet Peacocking Enters a New Phase. Is Your Dog Ready for Its Close-Up?  TownandCountrymag.com

Galveston Island Humane Society pets of the week - Galveston County Daily News
Galveston Island Humane Society pets of the week  Galveston County Daily News

Tampa Bay area pets looking for forever homes - Tampa Bay Times
Tampa Bay area pets looking for forever homes  Tampa Bay Times

Sask. family owns more than 30 pets, including a goat and pot-bellied pig - CBC.ca
Sask. family owns more than 30 pets, including a goat and pot-bellied pig  CBC.ca

Kids, Partners, Pets and More of the Cutest 'Dates' at the 2021 Golden Globe Awards - Yahoo Entertainment
Kids, Partners, Pets and More of the Cutest 'Dates' at the 2021 Golden Globe Awards  Yahoo Entertainment

Steve Dale’s Pet World 2/28/2021 | All things pet birds, do dogs really love us, and more - WGN Radio - Chicago
Steve Dale’s Pet World 2/28/2021 | All things pet birds, do dogs really love us, and more  WGN Radio - Chicago

Panic-buying for pandemic puppies is just part of the reason for petfood shortage - NJ.com
Panic-buying for pandemic puppies is just part of the reason for petfood shortage  NJ.com

That's My Pet | Lifestyles | elkvalleytimes.com - Elk Valley Times
That's My Pet | Lifestyles | elkvalleytimes.com  Elk Valley Times

City holding monthly pet vaccine clinic next weekend - KGET 17
City holding monthly pet vaccine clinic next weekend  KGET 17

All the Presidents' Pets - Today.com - Today.com - Today.com
All the Presidents' Pets - Today.com - Today.com  Today.com

Watch: Pets And Dental Health - News On 6
Watch: Pets And Dental Health  News On 6

These adorable pets are looking for a forever home: Feb. 27-28 - SILive.com
These adorable pets are looking for a forever home: Feb. 27-28  SILive.com

Pets are helping us cope during the pandemic—but that may be stressing them out - National Geographic
Pets are helping us cope during the pandemic—but that may be stressing them out  National Geographic

11 best Valentine's Day gifts for your pets in 2021 - NBC News
11 best Valentine's Day gifts for your pets in 2021  NBC News

Pet of the week: Winston | Local News | billingsgazette.com - Billings Gazette
Pet of the week: Winston | Local News | billingsgazette.com  Billings Gazette

The Truth About Pop My Pet's Dr. Jackie Dueñas - Nicki Swift
The Truth About Pop My Pet's Dr. Jackie Dueñas  Nicki Swift

10 Trendy Houseplants That are Safe for Pets, According to Experts - BobVila.com
10 Trendy Houseplants That are Safe for Pets, According to Experts  BobVila.com

Betty White, furry friends star in 50-year-old 'Pet Set' - theday.com
Betty White, furry friends star in 50-year-old 'Pet Set'  theday.com

Pet Scene: Summit County's adoptable pets for the week of Feb. 28 - Summit Daily News
Pet Scene: Summit County's adoptable pets for the week of Feb. 28  Summit Daily News

Second Chance Pets: Steve the cat - KOIN.com
Second Chance Pets: Steve the cat  KOIN.com

Pima, Maricopa County Shelters Saw Less Pet Surrenders Than Expected In 2020 - KJZZ
Pima, Maricopa County Shelters Saw Less Pet Surrenders Than Expected In 2020  KJZZ

Protect your pets from the cold or face $999 fine, jail time - 9News.com KUSA
Protect your pets from the cold or face $999 fine, jail time  9News.com KUSA

Man convicted of animal abuse admits to having pets on property - The Durango Herald
Man convicted of animal abuse admits to having pets on property  The Durango Herald

Canned pet food shortage blamed on more adoptions - Altoona Mirror
Canned pet food shortage blamed on more adoptions  Altoona Mirror

You could be charged if you leave your pets outside during severe weather - WFAA.com
You could be charged if you leave your pets outside during severe weather  WFAA.com

The Most Popular Pet Name of the Century (Maybe) - The New York Times
The Most Popular Pet Name of the Century (Maybe)  The New York Times

The Truth About Pop My Pet's Dr. Grant Dunbar - Nicki Swift
The Truth About Pop My Pet's Dr. Grant Dunbar  Nicki Swift

M-SNAP continues to reduce pet euthanasia - Dominion Post - The Dominion Post
M-SNAP continues to reduce pet euthanasia - Dominion Post  The Dominion Post

Survey reveals America’s love for pets is evident in travel habits - Buffalo News
Survey reveals America’s love for pets is evident in travel habits  Buffalo News

WorkInCT: A pet service benefiting since the pandemic began - FOX 61
WorkInCT: A pet service benefiting since the pandemic began  FOX 61

The 'Can You Pet The Dog' Twitter account is having a big impact - The Washington Post
The 'Can You Pet The Dog' Twitter account is having a big impact  The Washington Post

PETA implores people to stop calling their animals 'pets' as it's derogatory - Talk Radio 1210 WPHT
PETA implores people to stop calling their animals 'pets' as it's derogatory  Talk Radio 1210 WPHT

Chewy Is Bridgewaters Pet Of The Week - Patch.com
Chewy Is Bridgewaters Pet Of The Week  Patch.com

41 best products of the past year, according to 40,000 Americans - NBC News
41 best products of the past year, according to 40,000 Americans  NBC News

Gulf Coast Tiny Paws Rescue pet of the week - Galveston County Daily News
Gulf Coast Tiny Paws Rescue pet of the week  Galveston County Daily News

Colorado Pet Pantry Expands Food Bank To The Western Slope - WesternSlopeNow
Colorado Pet Pantry Expands Food Bank To The Western Slope  WesternSlopeNow

Take Me Home: Adopt Mia from Wags & Whiskers Pet Rescue - St. Augustine Record
Take Me Home: Adopt Mia from Wags & Whiskers Pet Rescue  St. Augustine Record

Connected pet collar company Fi raises a $30M Series B - TechCrunch
Connected pet collar company Fi raises a $30M Series B  TechCrunch

Every Among Us Pet Ranked From Cute To Sus | Screen Rant - Screen Rant
Every Among Us Pet Ranked From Cute To Sus | Screen Rant  Screen Rant

Pet Scene: Summit County's adoptable pets for the week of Feb. 21, 2021 - Summit Daily News
Pet Scene: Summit County's adoptable pets for the week of Feb. 21, 2021  Summit Daily News

7 in 10 pet owners say they wouldn't have 'survived' 2020 without their animal companion - Fox News
7 in 10 pet owners say they wouldn't have 'survived' 2020 without their animal companion  Fox News

America's 10 Best States for Pet Lovers - TravelPulse
America's 10 Best States for Pet Lovers  TravelPulse

Poshmark enters into the pet category - Retail Dive
Poshmark enters into the pet category  Retail Dive

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