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Hamsters and their quest for world domination


"Hamsters?!" I hear you say. "Who cares about some fury little rodents." You ignorant little fool, you're pay the price for your stupidity when the Hamsters lead by yours truly will rise up and DESTROY YOUR LAME SPECIES! We are closer to this than you think. While you sleep, we are slowly spreading our influence. At first it was small. After been first discovered in 1930 by zoologist and Professor Aharoni at the University of Jerusalem, in the Syrian Desert, we quickly made our way to all four corners of the globe. With the exception of Hawaii, which does not allow its residents to own a hamster. A law was passed, hoping prevent escaped hamsters from reproducing and messing up the ecosystem. Huh.

Acting as cuddly little pets to children gave us the control of the older ones in the household and thus, our first taste of power! But many of us were used for - and still are - lab experiments, due to our superior disease-free nature and that we have a new litter every month. Since we have an extraordinarily high liking and tolerance for alcohol (our tolerance is equivalent to 40 times the human tolerance in proportion to body weight) experiments have gone as far as scientists who are testing a Chinese herb for its efficacy at curbing alcohol consumption. So if, late one night, you see a run-down drunk hamster on the street, clutching a lamppost for support, you'll know it was done in the name of Science. (http://www.accessexcellence.org/WN/SUA06/alcoham.html) But with our brainwashing skills processing our owners, many showed theIr distaste at such practises and protested against them, which have set us free!

But our secret plans were almost ruined when a game released on the Sega Genesis called "Toe Jam & Earl" featured hamsters in hamster balls as the bad guys in the game. Luckily it sold poorly and thus, not many where exposed to our darkside and any who did, saw it as a joke and thought it was hilarious. Just when we thought it was clear, an episode of "Pinky & The Brain" contained an evil brown hamster that looked like a mobster trying to take over the world. He failed and thus, our cover was secure. We have even got as far as running for US president 2004! (www.hamsterforpresident.com) We were set for world domination! We were to rid you of your corruption and incompetence.

Unfortunately at the last moment, somebody reliesed that Diddley Squat and Bupkes were Hamsters. Nether the less. A new campaign for 2008 is under way and this time we have come prepared. While the facts that our average life span is 3 years and that we are only the size of your hand may seem to count against us, we have carefully created complex messages of propaganda disguised as a music entertainment group (www.hamsterdance.com) which should be much more successful than our last, crude attempts e.g. "Four against Willi", a game show from West Germany. Hosted by German comedian/singer Mike Krueger, where two families of four members would each go head to head in competition, taking part in some zany contests, many of which included hamster-related events, such as running around on a giant wheel. It was cancelled after just a few shows, back in 1987.

And if I say 1000 days instead of 3 years, it sounds much bigger.

Hamster writes for http://www.random-plus.com


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Tue. June / 18 / 2024

Nationwide dropping pet insurance for 100,000 - Fox Business
  1. Nationwide dropping pet insurance for 100,000  Fox Business
  2. Nationwide is dropping 100,000 pet insurance policies — and blaming inflation  Quartz
  3. Nationwide drops pet insurance for 100,000 policyholders  USA TODAY

Keeping your pets cool during dangerous heat - WTOL
  1. Keeping your pets cool during dangerous heat  WTOL
  2. Tips for keeping pets safe during heatwave  The Morning Sun
  3. Philadelphia heat wave: Here's how to keep your pets safe  FOX 29 Philadelphia

How to navigate the end of your pet's life - The Associated Press
How to navigate the end of your pet's life  The Associated Press

More than 4,000 additional robotic pets to be given to seniors in New York to combat loneliness - ABC News
More than 4,000 additional robotic pets to be given to seniors in New York to combat loneliness  ABC News

Tim Dowling: our family’s fussiest eaters? That would be the pets - The Guardian
Tim Dowling: our family’s fussiest eaters? That would be the pets  The Guardian

Over 200 pets found new homes at Best Friends' adoption event - KFSM 5Newsonline
Over 200 pets found new homes at Best Friends' adoption event  KFSM 5Newsonline

Senior Citizens Are Getting Robotic Pets to Combat Loneliness: 'There's Somebody Here Listening to Me' - PEOPLE
Senior Citizens Are Getting Robotic Pets to Combat Loneliness: 'There's Somebody Here Listening to Me'  PEOPLE

Carrie Underwood's Tennessee home catches fire; family and pets unharmed - Fox News
Carrie Underwood's Tennessee home catches fire; family and pets unharmed  Fox News

Investigation of outbreak of multidrug-resistant Salmonella shows link to pet treats - Food Safety News
Investigation of outbreak of multidrug-resistant Salmonella shows link to pet treats  Food Safety News

Carrie Underwood, family and pets safe after house fire - Good Morning America
Carrie Underwood, family and pets safe after house fire  Good Morning America

Pets in Fiction by Eliza Knight - BookTrib
Pets in Fiction by Eliza Knight  BookTrib

Dangerous heat in cars can be lethal to people and pets - Jacksonville Today
Dangerous heat in cars can be lethal to people and pets  Jacksonville Today

My Turn: Pet abandonment is a form of abuse - The Recorder
My Turn: Pet abandonment is a form of abuse  The Recorder

Separate fires damage homes, destroy Evans shed, kill 4 pets - WRDW
Separate fires damage homes, destroy Evans shed, kill 4 pets  WRDW

First-Ever California Adopt-a-Pet Day Finds Homes for 3,609 Pets, Nearly Doubles Goal - PR Newswire
First-Ever California Adopt-a-Pet Day Finds Homes for 3,609 Pets, Nearly Doubles Goal  PR Newswire

CNY record heat wave prompts neighbors to keep pets inside - CNYcentral.com
CNY record heat wave prompts neighbors to keep pets inside  CNYcentral.com

Maine officials offer tips to keep pets safe during extreme heat - fox23maine.com
Maine officials offer tips to keep pets safe during extreme heat  fox23maine.com

Dangerous heat in cars can be lethal to kids and pets. But you knew that, right? - Health News Florida
Dangerous heat in cars can be lethal to kids and pets. But you knew that, right?  Health News Florida

How to use 24PetConnect, an online database for lost pets in Dane County - WKOW
How to use 24PetConnect, an online database for lost pets in Dane County  WKOW

Spare Your Pets From Tragedy By Embarking On Emergency Preparedness - Samantha Laturno
Spare Your Pets From Tragedy By Embarking On Emergency Preparedness  Samantha Laturno

Cortland County SPCA Reminding of Dangers to Pets in High Temperatures - X101 Always Classic - X101 Always Classic Local News
Cortland County SPCA Reminding of Dangers to Pets in High Temperatures - X101 Always Classic  X101 Always Classic Local News

As heat builds across Maine, make sure to protect your pets and animals - WMTW Portland
As heat builds across Maine, make sure to protect your pets and animals  WMTW Portland

Here's how to keep your pets safe during this week's intense heat wave - CBS News
Here's how to keep your pets safe during this week's intense heat wave  CBS News

Nationwide insurance: Thousands of pet owners to lose coverage - Daytona Beach News-Journal
Nationwide insurance: Thousands of pet owners to lose coverage  Daytona Beach News-Journal

Heed the heat: Protecting pets, kids, and the elderly from extreme temperatures - Turn to 10
Heed the heat: Protecting pets, kids, and the elderly from extreme temperatures  Turn to 10

Animal experts encourage people to keep pets indoors during upcoming heat wave - WMUR Manchester
Animal experts encourage people to keep pets indoors during upcoming heat wave  WMUR Manchester

Pets and livestock susceptible to extremely high temperatures in Ohio - Mansfield News Journal
Pets and livestock susceptible to extremely high temperatures in Ohio  Mansfield News Journal

If you’re hot, they’re hot: How to keep pets safe during heat wave - MLive.com
If you’re hot, they’re hot: How to keep pets safe during heat wave  MLive.com

Pets of the Week | Online Features | tampabeacon.com - Tampa Beacon
Pets of the Week | Online Features | tampabeacon.com  Tampa Beacon

Saying goodbye: How to navigate the end of your pet's life - NBC Washington
Saying goodbye: How to navigate the end of your pet's life  NBC Washington

Tips to keep your pets safe in extreme heat - WNDU
Tips to keep your pets safe in extreme heat  WNDU

Rabid raccoon confirmed in Clarendon County; four pets exposed - The Post and Courier
Rabid raccoon confirmed in Clarendon County; four pets exposed  The Post and Courier

Sweet dog in downtown Dallas window shows power of connection - The Dallas Morning News
Sweet dog in downtown Dallas window shows power of connection  The Dallas Morning News

Michigan officials give tips to keep pets safe amid heat wave - CBS News
Michigan officials give tips to keep pets safe amid heat wave  CBS News

Pawsing 4 Pets: Kitty cat chat with Jax Humane - WJXT News4JAX
Pawsing 4 Pets: Kitty cat chat with Jax Humane  WJXT News4JAX

Petco Love Celebrates Foster a Pet Month, Reminds Pet Lovers YOU Can Save a Life - StreetInsider.com
Petco Love Celebrates Foster a Pet Month, Reminds Pet Lovers YOU Can Save a Life  StreetInsider.com

How to help prevent your pets from getting heat stroke this summer - Bangor Daily News
How to help prevent your pets from getting heat stroke this summer  Bangor Daily News

Keep Your Pets Cool in the Summer Heat | Prairie Communications, LLC - Radio Monmouth, IL
Keep Your Pets Cool in the Summer Heat | Prairie Communications, LLC  Radio Monmouth, IL

Veterinarian provides tips to help keep pets cool during upcoming heat wave - WLUC
Veterinarian provides tips to help keep pets cool during upcoming heat wave  WLUC

MDARD issues tips to keep your pets cool and safe during dangerous heat - WEYI
MDARD issues tips to keep your pets cool and safe during dangerous heat  WEYI

Heat and Pet Safety: Laws to protect pets - South Bend - WNDU
Heat and Pet Safety: Laws to protect pets - South Bend  WNDU

Mama AND Mama's Boy: Today's Pets of the Week! - kdhlradio.com
Mama AND Mama's Boy: Today's Pets of the Week!  kdhlradio.com

Mom Upgrades Deck Just to Make Golden Retriever Smile & Pet Parents Totally Get It - Parade Pets
Mom Upgrades Deck Just to Make Golden Retriever Smile & Pet Parents Totally Get It  Parade Pets

How to Protect Your Pets During CNY's First Heat Wave of the Year - WIBX AM 950
How to Protect Your Pets During CNY's First Heat Wave of the Year  WIBX AM 950

Keeping Our Pets Cool In The Heat 3 - WFMJ
Keeping Our Pets Cool In The Heat 3  WFMJ

Don't Forget About Your Pets In The Hot Temps! - 105.1 The Bull
Don't Forget About Your Pets In The Hot Temps!  105.1 The Bull

State offers tips for keeping pets safe during heat wave - WJRT
State offers tips for keeping pets safe during heat wave  WJRT

How to keep your pets safe during heatwave in Upstate NY - FingerLakes1.com
How to keep your pets safe during heatwave in Upstate NY  FingerLakes1.com

VIDEO: Keeping children, pets save during a heat wave - Eyewitness News 3
VIDEO: Keeping children, pets save during a heat wave  Eyewitness News 3

Laramie Police: Don't Leave Kids Or Pets In Hot Cars - KOWB
Laramie Police: Don't Leave Kids Or Pets In Hot Cars  KOWB

Meet our pets of the week Luca & Poppy! - WXOW.com
Meet our pets of the week Luca & Poppy!  WXOW.com

Pets of the Week: Coulee Region Humane Society – Daytona - FOX 25/48 - WiProud.com
Pets of the Week: Coulee Region Humane Society – Daytona  FOX 25/48 - WiProud.com

Keeping children and pets safe during a heat wave - Eyewitness News 3
Keeping children and pets safe during a heat wave  Eyewitness News 3

Free Microchipping Available for Cherokee County Pets | Local News | tribuneledgernews.com - Cherokee Tribune Ledger News
Free Microchipping Available for Cherokee County Pets | Local News | tribuneledgernews.com  Cherokee Tribune Ledger News

Veterinarian shares how to keep pets safe during heatwave - MyStateline.com
Veterinarian shares how to keep pets safe during heatwave  MyStateline.com

Protect Pets During The Dog Days Of Summer - Texas A&M University Today
Protect Pets During The Dog Days Of Summer  Texas A&M University Today

ISP warns motorists to not leave children, pets in hot cars - WHAS11.com
ISP warns motorists to not leave children, pets in hot cars  WHAS11.com

Berkshire Humane Society on keeping your pets cool this summer - Spectrum News 1
Berkshire Humane Society on keeping your pets cool this summer  Spectrum News 1

Nationwide to drop about 100,000 pet insurance policies - CBS News
Nationwide to drop about 100,000 pet insurance policies  CBS News

Understanding Pet Dental Insurance - Business Insider
Understanding Pet Dental Insurance  Business Insider

Pet of the Week, Supporting SA Pets Alive! - WOAI
Pet of the Week, Supporting SA Pets Alive!  WOAI

What plants should you avoid as a pet owner in New Mexico? - KRQE News 13
What plants should you avoid as a pet owner in New Mexico?  KRQE News 13

Tips for people and pets to stay cool in extreme heat - WYMT
Tips for people and pets to stay cool in extreme heat  WYMT

NASA Is Using Its Fancy New Laser System To Send Astronauts Videos Of Pets - IFLScience
NASA Is Using Its Fancy New Laser System To Send Astronauts Videos Of Pets  IFLScience

Adorable & Adoptable–Pets of the Week: Fred, Kali & Emerson - SweetwaterNOW
Adorable & Adoptable–Pets of the Week: Fred, Kali & Emerson  SweetwaterNOW

Berks County libraries launch Pages for Pets summer reading program - The Mercury
Berks County libraries launch Pages for Pets summer reading program  The Mercury

US Missing Pets Spike by 49% in Summer - redlakenationnews.com
US Missing Pets Spike by 49% in Summer  redlakenationnews.com

Insurance company Nationwide won't renew 100000 pet policies due to pricey vet care - Washington Times
Insurance company Nationwide won't renew 100000 pet policies due to pricey vet care  Washington Times

How to keep your pets safe in the Connecticut heat - WTNH.com
How to keep your pets safe in the Connecticut heat  WTNH.com

Pets in the heat: How to keep your dogs and cats safe and cool during the heat wave - Akron Beacon Journal
Pets in the heat: How to keep your dogs and cats safe and cool during the heat wave  Akron Beacon Journal

How to navigate the end of your pet's life - ABC News
How to navigate the end of your pet's life  ABC News

Easy Tips for Keeping Your Pets Safe During 4th of July Fireworks - K945
Easy Tips for Keeping Your Pets Safe During 4th of July Fireworks  K945

Experts caution about dangers of leaving pets, children in hot cars - News 12 Connecticut
Experts caution about dangers of leaving pets, children in hot cars  News 12 Connecticut

McCracken County Humane Society shares how to keep pets cool on hot days - Paducah Sun
McCracken County Humane Society shares how to keep pets cool on hot days  Paducah Sun

Indiana State Police warns hot cars, kids and pets don’t mix - WANE
Indiana State Police warns hot cars, kids and pets don’t mix  WANE

Pet passion: China young list cats as ‘successful, loving’ in matchmaking trend - South China Morning Post
Pet passion: China young list cats as ‘successful, loving’ in matchmaking trend  South China Morning Post

Rabid raccoon confirmed in Clarendon County, 4 pets exposed - The Sumter Item
Rabid raccoon confirmed in Clarendon County, 4 pets exposed  The Sumter Item

Kid and pet safety during Mass. heat wave - WCVB Boston
Kid and pet safety during Mass. heat wave  WCVB Boston

Survey Measures Pet Owners' Acceptance of Insurance - Today's Veterinary Business
Survey Measures Pet Owners' Acceptance of Insurance  Today's Veterinary Business

Flagler Humane Society's Pets of the Week for June 17 - Palm Coast Observer and Ormond Beach Observer
Flagler Humane Society's Pets of the Week for June 17  Palm Coast Observer and Ormond Beach Observer

Conn. pet owners take precautions ahead of extreme heat | fox61.com - FOX61 Hartford
Conn. pet owners take precautions ahead of extreme heat | fox61.com  FOX61 Hartford

If it's hot out for you, it's hot out for your pets. Here's how to keep them healthy, happy - wvua23.com
If it's hot out for you, it's hot out for your pets. Here's how to keep them healthy, happy  wvua23.com

Insurance provider suddenly drops pet coverage for 100000 owners - The Independent
Insurance provider suddenly drops pet coverage for 100000 owners  The Independent

Carrie Underwood, family and pets safe after house fire - ABC News
Carrie Underwood, family and pets safe after house fire  ABC News

HABRI Awards Grant to Colorado State University to Study Pet-Related Needs of Cancer Survivors - Pet Age
HABRI Awards Grant to Colorado State University to Study Pet-Related Needs of Cancer Survivors  Pet Age

Family loses everything, including several pets, in destructive fire in Tulare County - KFSN-TV
Family loses everything, including several pets, in destructive fire in Tulare County  KFSN-TV

A Home Where Old People Can Live Together with Their Pets - Nippon.com
A Home Where Old People Can Live Together with Their Pets  Nippon.com

Hong Kong must strike right balance on imported pets - South China Morning Post
Hong Kong must strike right balance on imported pets  South China Morning Post

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

Navigating the end of your pet's life: hospice, euthanasia - Billings Gazette
Navigating the end of your pet's life: hospice, euthanasia  Billings Gazette

VCA offers boarding for pets displaced by Post Fire at four locations - Bakersfield Now
VCA offers boarding for pets displaced by Post Fire at four locations  Bakersfield Now

7 pets found dead, 16 pets found in neglectful conditions in Canton home; Couple charged - Cleveland 19 News
7 pets found dead, 16 pets found in neglectful conditions in Canton home; Couple charged  Cleveland 19 News

Pets on the road: A look at some animal companions in trucking - FreightWaves
Pets on the road: A look at some animal companions in trucking  FreightWaves

Global Pet Care E-commerce Market Analysis Report 2024-2030, Featuring Amazon, Chewy, PetSmart, Petco Health ... - GlobeNewswire
Global Pet Care E-commerce Market Analysis Report 2024-2030, Featuring Amazon, Chewy, PetSmart, Petco Health ...  GlobeNewswire

Tips to keep you and your pets safe during extreme heat - WTAJ - www.wtaj.com
Tips to keep you and your pets safe during extreme heat  WTAJ - www.wtaj.com

Pima Animal Care Center (PACC) - Pima County
Pima Animal Care Center (PACC)  Pima County

4 pets die in Augusta house fire on Eidson Drive - WRDW
4 pets die in Augusta house fire on Eidson Drive  WRDW

HOT CARS, KIDS, and PETS DON'T MIX - WSJD 100.5
HOT CARS, KIDS, and PETS DON'T MIX  WSJD 100.5

The Best Pet Insurance for Multiple Pets (2024) - MarketWatch
The Best Pet Insurance for Multiple Pets (2024)  MarketWatch

How to keep yourself, pets safe during upcoming heat wave - YourErie
How to keep yourself, pets safe during upcoming heat wave  YourErie

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