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Hamsters and their quest for world domination


"Hamsters?!" I hear you say. "Who cares about some fury little rodents." You ignorant little fool, you're pay the price for your stupidity when the Hamsters lead by yours truly will rise up and DESTROY YOUR LAME SPECIES! We are closer to this than you think. While you sleep, we are slowly spreading our influence. At first it was small. After been first discovered in 1930 by zoologist and Professor Aharoni at the University of Jerusalem, in the Syrian Desert, we quickly made our way to all four corners of the globe. With the exception of Hawaii, which does not allow its residents to own a hamster. A law was passed, hoping prevent escaped hamsters from reproducing and messing up the ecosystem. Huh.

Acting as cuddly little pets to children gave us the control of the older ones in the household and thus, our first taste of power! But many of us were used for - and still are - lab experiments, due to our superior disease-free nature and that we have a new litter every month. Since we have an extraordinarily high liking and tolerance for alcohol (our tolerance is equivalent to 40 times the human tolerance in proportion to body weight) experiments have gone as far as scientists who are testing a Chinese herb for its efficacy at curbing alcohol consumption. So if, late one night, you see a run-down drunk hamster on the street, clutching a lamppost for support, you'll know it was done in the name of Science. (http://www.accessexcellence.org/WN/SUA06/alcoham.html) But with our brainwashing skills processing our owners, many showed theIr distaste at such practises and protested against them, which have set us free!

But our secret plans were almost ruined when a game released on the Sega Genesis called "Toe Jam & Earl" featured hamsters in hamster balls as the bad guys in the game. Luckily it sold poorly and thus, not many where exposed to our darkside and any who did, saw it as a joke and thought it was hilarious. Just when we thought it was clear, an episode of "Pinky & The Brain" contained an evil brown hamster that looked like a mobster trying to take over the world. He failed and thus, our cover was secure. We have even got as far as running for US president 2004! (www.hamsterforpresident.com) We were set for world domination! We were to rid you of your corruption and incompetence.

Unfortunately at the last moment, somebody reliesed that Diddley Squat and Bupkes were Hamsters. Nether the less. A new campaign for 2008 is under way and this time we have come prepared. While the facts that our average life span is 3 years and that we are only the size of your hand may seem to count against us, we have carefully created complex messages of propaganda disguised as a music entertainment group (www.hamsterdance.com) which should be much more successful than our last, crude attempts e.g. "Four against Willi", a game show from West Germany. Hosted by German comedian/singer Mike Krueger, where two families of four members would each go head to head in competition, taking part in some zany contests, many of which included hamster-related events, such as running around on a giant wheel. It was cancelled after just a few shows, back in 1987.

And if I say 1000 days instead of 3 years, it sounds much bigger.

Hamster writes for http://www.random-plus.com


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Wed. June / 16 / 2021

For Pets' Sake Humane Society to collect pennies for pets - The Journal
For Pets' Sake Humane Society to collect pennies for pets  The Journal

Pets welcome: New pet boarding business opens doors in Fergus Falls - Fergus Falls Daily Journal
Pets welcome: New pet boarding business opens doors in Fergus Falls  Fergus Falls Daily Journal

Pets of the week - Chicago Tribune
Pets of the week  Chicago Tribune

LACASA Receives Grant To Support Pets Of Abuse Victims - WHMI
LACASA Receives Grant To Support Pets Of Abuse Victims  WHMI

Keeping Your Pets Safe During a Heat Wave - PRNewswire
Keeping Your Pets Safe During a Heat Wave  PRNewswire

Idaho Humane Society getting 'alarming number' of calls for pets locked in hot cars - Idaho News
Idaho Humane Society getting 'alarming number' of calls for pets locked in hot cars  Idaho News

Billings nonprofit works to keep homeless pets cool in scorching temperatures - KTVQ Billings News
Billings nonprofit works to keep homeless pets cool in scorching temperatures  KTVQ Billings News

Contrary to rumor, people aren't returning their 'pandemic pets.' There are other problems, though. • Long Beach Post News - Long Beach Post
Contrary to rumor, people aren't returning their 'pandemic pets.' There are other problems, though. • Long Beach Post News  Long Beach Post

Pet Advice: Managing cognitive decline in aging pets - KSNT News
Pet Advice: Managing cognitive decline in aging pets  KSNT News

Warmer weather means extra precautions for pets - The San Diego Union-Tribune
Warmer weather means extra precautions for pets  The San Diego Union-Tribune

Pets of the Week: 6-15-21 – WBKB 11 - WBKB-TV
Pets of the Week: 6-15-21 – WBKB 11  WBKB-TV

Americans Are Spending More Than Ever on Pets, Sending the Entire Industry to New Highs - PRNewswire
Americans Are Spending More Than Ever on Pets, Sending the Entire Industry to New Highs  PRNewswire

Protecting Your Pets During A Heat Wave - ksltv.com
Protecting Your Pets During A Heat Wave  ksltv.com

Adoptable Pets of the Week for June 15 - Greenfield Daily Reporter
Adoptable Pets of the Week for June 15  Greenfield Daily Reporter

6 family pets killed in Connecticut farmhouse blaze - CTPost
6 family pets killed in Connecticut farmhouse blaze  CTPost

Local Pet Care Company Expands to Fun Apparel and Tasty Treats for Pets - Alexandria Living Magazine
Local Pet Care Company Expands to Fun Apparel and Tasty Treats for Pets  Alexandria Living Magazine

Number of pets surrendered increase post COVID-19 pandemic - Alamogordo Daily News
Number of pets surrendered increase post COVID-19 pandemic  Alamogordo Daily News

Worldwide Pet Milk Industry to 2027 - Opportunity Analysis - GlobeNewswire
Worldwide Pet Milk Industry to 2027 - Opportunity Analysis  GlobeNewswire

Is COVID-19 more common in pets than we previously thought? - Medical News Today
Is COVID-19 more common in pets than we previously thought?  Medical News Today

Family safely escapes house fire in Green Bay, two pets are still missing - WeAreGreenBay.com
Family safely escapes house fire in Green Bay, two pets are still missing  WeAreGreenBay.com

‘Tails and Tales’ to bring pets to the Johnson City Public Library - WJHL-TV News Channel 11
‘Tails and Tales’ to bring pets to the Johnson City Public Library  WJHL-TV News Channel 11

Owner Of Long Island Puppy Store Accused Of Selling Sick Pets - CBS New York
Owner Of Long Island Puppy Store Accused Of Selling Sick Pets  CBS New York

Seattle veterinary team helps more than 1,000 homeless pets; now it’s caring for their owners too - The Seattle Times
Seattle veterinary team helps more than 1,000 homeless pets; now it’s caring for their owners too  The Seattle Times

Barkhaus Expands Outdoor Play Area for Pets - Alexandria Living Magazine
Barkhaus Expands Outdoor Play Area for Pets  Alexandria Living Magazine

Keeping pets safe during summer heat - ConchoValleyHomepage.com
Keeping pets safe during summer heat  ConchoValleyHomepage.com

From Tamagotchi to ‘Nintendogs’: Why People Love Digital Pets - WIRED
From Tamagotchi to ‘Nintendogs’: Why People Love Digital Pets  WIRED

3 tips to help keep your pets safe, cool this summer - WDIV ClickOnDetroit
3 tips to help keep your pets safe, cool this summer  WDIV ClickOnDetroit

USPS asks Hawaii dog owners to restrain their pets - KHON2
USPS asks Hawaii dog owners to restrain their pets  KHON2

Keeping pets safe during the summer heat - KAKE
Keeping pets safe during the summer heat  KAKE

Neighbor To Know: Mans Efforts Feed Fairfield Areas Hungry Pets - Fairfield, CT Patch
Neighbor To Know: Mans Efforts Feed Fairfield Areas Hungry Pets  Fairfield, CT Patch

MOCO Adoptable Pets: Rocky, Mama, Chico, Indy and Richard - Patch.com
MOCO Adoptable Pets: Rocky, Mama, Chico, Indy and Richard  Patch.com

Woodstock fire injures four people, kills six pets - Hartford Courant
Woodstock fire injures four people, kills six pets  Hartford Courant

Pandemic pets: An increase in fostering is keeping more Baton Rouge pets alive - [225] - 225 Baton Rouge
Pandemic pets: An increase in fostering is keeping more Baton Rouge pets alive - [225]  225 Baton Rouge

Pet of the Week - Hot weather safety for pets on Live in the D - WDIV ClickOnDetroit
Pet of the Week - Hot weather safety for pets on Live in the D  WDIV ClickOnDetroit

Pets for adoption | | tucson.com - Arizona Daily Star
Pets for adoption | | tucson.com  Arizona Daily Star

Pets In Need In Southern Maryland Dog of the Week: Zuma - The Southern Maryland Chronicle
Pets In Need In Southern Maryland Dog of the Week: Zuma  The Southern Maryland Chronicle

Austin Pets Alive! Will Reduce Adoption Fees For 1 Week - Patch.com
Austin Pets Alive! Will Reduce Adoption Fees For 1 Week  Patch.com

As temperatures reach triple digits, remember not to leave children or pets in vehicles - abc7amarillo.com
As temperatures reach triple digits, remember not to leave children or pets in vehicles  abc7amarillo.com

2 Injured, 3 Pets Killed In Puyallup House Fire: Roads Reopened - Patch.com
2 Injured, 3 Pets Killed In Puyallup House Fire: Roads Reopened  Patch.com

Hot weather for Humans and Pets - KELO AM-FM
Hot weather for Humans and Pets  KELO AM-FM

Veterinary clinic for homeless people’s pets coming to New York - NEWS10 ABC
Veterinary clinic for homeless people’s pets coming to New York  NEWS10 ABC

CAPA Pet of the Week: Bear - Lompoc Record
CAPA Pet of the Week: Bear  Lompoc Record

My Heart Is Melting After Looking At These 24 Celebrities And Their Pets - BuzzFeed
My Heart Is Melting After Looking At These 24 Celebrities And Their Pets  BuzzFeed

NOW: Wisconsin Humane Society shares hot weather safety tips for your pets this summer - WDJT
NOW: Wisconsin Humane Society shares hot weather safety tips for your pets this summer  WDJT

NJ pets in need: June 14, 2021 - nj.com - nj.com
NJ pets in need: June 14, 2021 - nj.com  nj.com

UX Design for Pets? This company is creating minimally-designed functional gear for your furry friends - Yanko Design
UX Design for Pets? This company is creating minimally-designed functional gear for your furry friends  Yanko Design

Temps expected to hit 114 degrees during extreme heat wave; pets need extra care - St George News
Temps expected to hit 114 degrees during extreme heat wave; pets need extra care  St George News

PHOTOS: Barrow County Animal Control Adoptable Pets of the Week — June 14 - Gwinnettdailypost.com
PHOTOS: Barrow County Animal Control Adoptable Pets of the Week — June 14  Gwinnettdailypost.com

Northport Adoptable Pets Of The Week: Tweety & Sylvester - Patch.com
Northport Adoptable Pets Of The Week: Tweety & Sylvester  Patch.com

A Bangor cemetery will now let people be buried with their pets - Bangor Daily News
A Bangor cemetery will now let people be buried with their pets  Bangor Daily News

Four tips to help your pet cope with you returning to work - WTOL
Four tips to help your pet cope with you returning to work  WTOL

Animal Allies summer camps educate kids about humane pet care - Duluth News Tribune
Animal Allies summer camps educate kids about humane pet care  Duluth News Tribune

‘A death sentence’: Animal charity says small pets abandoned at Northeast Ohio park - fox8.com
‘A death sentence’: Animal charity says small pets abandoned at Northeast Ohio park  fox8.com

Officials remind locals of new pet ordinance and urge pet safety - News3LV
Officials remind locals of new pet ordinance and urge pet safety  News3LV

Salma Hayek's Pet Rescue Owl Once Coughed Up a Hairball on Harry Styles' Head: 'He Didn't Scream' - PEOPLE
Salma Hayek's Pet Rescue Owl Once Coughed Up a Hairball on Harry Styles' Head: 'He Didn't Scream'  PEOPLE

Killeen Animal Services partners with Petco Love, BOBS to celebrate pet foster volunteers - KCENTV.com
Killeen Animal Services partners with Petco Love, BOBS to celebrate pet foster volunteers  KCENTV.com

4 Essential Hurricane Safety Tips For Pet Owners - Yahoo Lifestyle
4 Essential Hurricane Safety Tips For Pet Owners  Yahoo Lifestyle

Second Chance Pets: Penny - KOIN.com
Second Chance Pets: Penny  KOIN.com

Harris County Pets waiving adoption fees for packed shelter - KPRC Click2Houston
Harris County Pets waiving adoption fees for packed shelter  KPRC Click2Houston

Pet Store Company Accused of Selling Sick Puppies - NBC New York
Pet Store Company Accused of Selling Sick Puppies  NBC New York

Dad's Best Friend: Tailored Pet® Honors Dog Dads this "Pawther's Day" - PRNewswire
Dad's Best Friend: Tailored Pet® Honors Dog Dads this "Pawther's Day"  PRNewswire

Why some urge adopters to give older pets a second chance at life - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Why some urge adopters to give older pets a second chance at life  Atlanta Journal Constitution

Submit your photos for Pets & Their People - Atlanta Intown
Submit your photos for Pets & Their People  Atlanta Intown

Pet of the Week: Manilla - Newnan Times-Herald
Pet of the Week: Manilla  Newnan Times-Herald

Home Sellers Are Putting Pets in Listing Photos, and the Internet Can’t Resist (Buyers May Be Another Story) - Money
Home Sellers Are Putting Pets in Listing Photos, and the Internet Can’t Resist (Buyers May Be Another Story)  Money

Pet of the Week: Bella | Gordon Life | northwestgeorgianews.com - Calhoun Times
Pet of the Week: Bella | Gordon Life | northwestgeorgianews.com  Calhoun Times

Pet of the Week: Mushu - KEZI TV
Pet of the Week: Mushu  KEZI TV

PHOTOS: The Secret Life of Pets: Off the Leash Using Standby Only for Several Days Now at Universal Studios Hollywood - wdwnt.com
PHOTOS: The Secret Life of Pets: Off the Leash Using Standby Only for Several Days Now at Universal Studios Hollywood  wdwnt.com

Pets killed in fire in Wyoming County - WNEP Scranton/Wilkes-Barre
Pets killed in fire in Wyoming County  WNEP Scranton/Wilkes-Barre

Having a ruff day? FM area bars, restaurants open patios to pets for a pawsome experience - INFORUM
Having a ruff day? FM area bars, restaurants open patios to pets for a pawsome experience  INFORUM

Town Of Smithtown: Smithtown Pet Of The Week | Smithtown, NY Patch - Patch.com
Town Of Smithtown: Smithtown Pet Of The Week | Smithtown, NY Patch  Patch.com

Cicada Invasion Photos From Readers: Cute Kids, Pets Meet Bugs - Patch.com
Cicada Invasion Photos From Readers: Cute Kids, Pets Meet Bugs  Patch.com

Vets Go Upscale to Care for Pets (and Their Owners) - The New York Times
Vets Go Upscale to Care for Pets (and Their Owners)  The New York Times

Photos remind us there's no pet quite like our own - Florida Weekly
Photos remind us there's no pet quite like our own  Florida Weekly

These top pet-friendly hotels welcome furry guests with gusto - CNN
These top pet-friendly hotels welcome furry guests with gusto  CNN

S. Korea tightens regulations on pet-related businesses - The Korea Herald
S. Korea tightens regulations on pet-related businesses  The Korea Herald

Update on Maui Pet Adoption Story that Helped Earn $50K for Maui Humane Society | Maui Now - Maui Now
Update on Maui Pet Adoption Story that Helped Earn $50K for Maui Humane Society | Maui Now  Maui Now

Lefort Furniture to host a pet adoption event on June 19 - Lafourche Gazette
Lefort Furniture to host a pet adoption event on June 19  Lafourche Gazette

Animal Cruelty: What you can do to help save a pet’s life - KLAS - 8 News Now
Animal Cruelty: What you can do to help save a pet’s life  KLAS - 8 News Now

Furry good news: More pets can now fly in cabin on overseas PCS flights - Military Times
Furry good news: More pets can now fly in cabin on overseas PCS flights  Military Times

Smithtown Adoptable Pet Of The Week: Parker - Patch.com
Smithtown Adoptable Pet Of The Week: Parker  Patch.com

Heirloom Pet Products adds on-the-go stress relief for small dogs - Pet Food Processing
Heirloom Pet Products adds on-the-go stress relief for small dogs  Pet Food Processing

Safe Harbor Animal Sanctuary event shows children how to be responsible pet owners - KFVS
Safe Harbor Animal Sanctuary event shows children how to be responsible pet owners  KFVS

Coyotes spread in Florida and 'they're going to eat just about anything' - WPLG Local 10
Coyotes spread in Florida and 'they're going to eat just about anything'  WPLG Local 10

Pet ownership surged during COVID-19. Veterinarians are exhausted. - The Philadelphia Inquirer
Pet ownership surged during COVID-19. Veterinarians are exhausted.  The Philadelphia Inquirer

Are cicadas harmful to dogs? What to do if your pet eats them - WLWT Cincinnati
Are cicadas harmful to dogs? What to do if your pet eats them  WLWT Cincinnati

Pet of the Week: 6/15/21 - WANE
Pet of the Week: 6/15/21  WANE

Pet of the Week | Quad City Animal Welfare Center - WHBF - OurQuadCities.com
Pet of the Week | Quad City Animal Welfare Center  WHBF - OurQuadCities.com

Pet care before, during, and after earthquakes - Los Angeles Times
Pet care before, during, and after earthquakes  Los Angeles Times

Pet Rescue Group Advertises 'Pre-Owned Senior Dogs' In Hilarious Post - HuffPost
Pet Rescue Group Advertises 'Pre-Owned Senior Dogs' In Hilarious Post  HuffPost

Did you know you can shop for Shelter Pets on Amazon? - Dog of the Day
Did you know you can shop for Shelter Pets on Amazon?  Dog of the Day

PET scan depicting neurological fallout of COVID-19 wins image of the year - Health Imaging
PET scan depicting neurological fallout of COVID-19 wins image of the year  Health Imaging

Adopt-A-Pet Tuesday: Honeybell, Lucy & Leta - 9 & 10 News - 9&10 News
Adopt-A-Pet Tuesday: Honeybell, Lucy & Leta - 9 & 10 News  9&10 News

Austin Pets Alive! cautions pet owners following elevated temps - FOX 7 Austin
Austin Pets Alive! cautions pet owners following elevated temps  FOX 7 Austin

Pet food recall due to potential salmonella contamination - Fox Business
Pet food recall due to potential salmonella contamination  Fox Business

PetSmart Launches New Brand Platform Celebrating The Pet Lover In Us All - PRNewswire
PetSmart Launches New Brand Platform Celebrating The Pet Lover In Us All  PRNewswire

Walmart hosting 'Fur Babies' events in Charleston area for National Pet's Month - ABC NEWS 4
Walmart hosting 'Fur Babies' events in Charleston area for National Pet's Month  ABC NEWS 4

Video platforms normalize exotic pets - Science Daily
Video platforms normalize exotic pets  Science Daily

18 Most Popular Movies About Pets - Newsweek
18 Most Popular Movies About Pets  Newsweek

Healthcare workers get a dose of pet therapy - KPLC
Healthcare workers get a dose of pet therapy  KPLC

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