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Hamsters and their quest for world domination


"Hamsters?!" I hear you say. "Who cares about some fury little rodents." You ignorant little fool, you're pay the price for your stupidity when the Hamsters lead by yours truly will rise up and DESTROY YOUR LAME SPECIES! We are closer to this than you think. While you sleep, we are slowly spreading our influence. At first it was small. After been first discovered in 1930 by zoologist and Professor Aharoni at the University of Jerusalem, in the Syrian Desert, we quickly made our way to all four corners of the globe. With the exception of Hawaii, which does not allow its residents to own a hamster. A law was passed, hoping prevent escaped hamsters from reproducing and messing up the ecosystem. Huh.

Acting as cuddly little pets to children gave us the control of the older ones in the household and thus, our first taste of power! But many of us were used for - and still are - lab experiments, due to our superior disease-free nature and that we have a new litter every month. Since we have an extraordinarily high liking and tolerance for alcohol (our tolerance is equivalent to 40 times the human tolerance in proportion to body weight) experiments have gone as far as scientists who are testing a Chinese herb for its efficacy at curbing alcohol consumption. So if, late one night, you see a run-down drunk hamster on the street, clutching a lamppost for support, you'll know it was done in the name of Science. (http://www.accessexcellence.org/WN/SUA06/alcoham.html) But with our brainwashing skills processing our owners, many showed theIr distaste at such practises and protested against them, which have set us free!

But our secret plans were almost ruined when a game released on the Sega Genesis called "Toe Jam & Earl" featured hamsters in hamster balls as the bad guys in the game. Luckily it sold poorly and thus, not many where exposed to our darkside and any who did, saw it as a joke and thought it was hilarious. Just when we thought it was clear, an episode of "Pinky & The Brain" contained an evil brown hamster that looked like a mobster trying to take over the world. He failed and thus, our cover was secure. We have even got as far as running for US president 2004! (www.hamsterforpresident.com) We were set for world domination! We were to rid you of your corruption and incompetence.

Unfortunately at the last moment, somebody reliesed that Diddley Squat and Bupkes were Hamsters. Nether the less. A new campaign for 2008 is under way and this time we have come prepared. While the facts that our average life span is 3 years and that we are only the size of your hand may seem to count against us, we have carefully created complex messages of propaganda disguised as a music entertainment group (www.hamsterdance.com) which should be much more successful than our last, crude attempts e.g. "Four against Willi", a game show from West Germany. Hosted by German comedian/singer Mike Krueger, where two families of four members would each go head to head in competition, taking part in some zany contests, many of which included hamster-related events, such as running around on a giant wheel. It was cancelled after just a few shows, back in 1987.

And if I say 1000 days instead of 3 years, it sounds much bigger.

Hamster writes for http://www.random-plus.com


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Tue. November / 12 / 2019

Protect pets and plants during cold weather with these tips - KSLA
Protect pets and plants during cold weather with these tips  KSLA

Winter Wellness: Prioritizing Pet Safety As Temperatures Plummet - CBS Dallas / Fort Worth
Winter Wellness: Prioritizing Pet Safety As Temperatures Plummet  CBS Dallas / Fort Worth

Skip the TV: PACC waiving adoption fees on black-furred pets on Black Friday - KVOA Tucson News
Skip the TV: PACC waiving adoption fees on black-furred pets on Black Friday  KVOA Tucson News

More Twin Cities apartments welcome pets — for a price - Minnesota Public Radio News
More Twin Cities apartments welcome pets — for a price  Minnesota Public Radio News

Two local shelters give Veterans pets for free - WSYM-TV
Two local shelters give Veterans pets for free  WSYM-TV

Bentley's Corner: Pets with diabetes - 13newsnow.com WVEC
Bentley's Corner: Pets with diabetes  13newsnow.com WVEC

As temps lower, protect your outside pets - WTOK
As temps lower, protect your outside pets  WTOK

Fur-ever Friends: Adoptable pets available 11/12/19 - WJAC Johnstown
Fur-ever Friends: Adoptable pets available 11/12/19  WJAC Johnstown

Seat alarm designed to save kids, pets from hot car deaths - fox5sandiego.com
Seat alarm designed to save kids, pets from hot car deaths  fox5sandiego.com

'They're like children': How to keep pets safe amid record-breaking cold weather - USA TODAY
'They're like children': How to keep pets safe amid record-breaking cold weather  USA TODAY

Pets also need protection in cold weather - KSAT San Antonio
Pets also need protection in cold weather  KSAT San Antonio

Follow Dallas' laws about protecting your pets during cold freeze - culturemap.com
Follow Dallas' laws about protecting your pets during cold freeze  culturemap.com

Scientists develop sensor to save children, pets left in vehicles - Science Daily
Scientists develop sensor to save children, pets left in vehicles  Science Daily

Adoptable pets for Nov. 8-14 - Knoxville News Sentinel
Adoptable pets for Nov. 8-14  Knoxville News Sentinel

Adoptable pets of the week: Joe, Little Momma, Samuel, Reginald - The State Journal-Register
Adoptable pets of the week: Joe, Little Momma, Samuel, Reginald  The State Journal-Register

Keeping your pets warm in chilly weather: It it’s too cold for you, it’s too cold for them - KAIT
Keeping your pets warm in chilly weather: It it’s too cold for you, it’s too cold for them  KAIT

Renting with pets? Landlords may want more than just cash - Minneapolis / St. Paul Business Journal
Renting with pets? Landlords may want more than just cash  Minneapolis / St. Paul Business Journal

Picture your Pets with Santa set for first 2 weekends in December - WDRB
Picture your Pets with Santa set for first 2 weekends in December  WDRB

Baz needs a home -- and so do other pets across Tampa Bay - Tampa Bay Times
Baz needs a home -- and so do other pets across Tampa Bay  Tampa Bay Times

'For Pet's Sake' - Bakersfield Now
'For Pet's Sake'  Bakersfield Now

Oklahoma family devastated after losing home, pets in fire - KFOR Oklahoma City
Oklahoma family devastated after losing home, pets in fire  KFOR Oklahoma City

We Love Our Pets, and IDEXX Knows It - Motley Fool
We Love Our Pets, and IDEXX Knows It  Motley Fool

Israel under Gaza rockets: Caring for your pets in times of emergency - The Jerusalem Post
Israel under Gaza rockets: Caring for your pets in times of emergency  The Jerusalem Post

How to protect your pets, plants, and pipes during colder weather - WCBI
How to protect your pets, plants, and pipes during colder weather  WCBI

How to keep pets safe amid record-breaking cold weather - Chicago Sun-Times
How to keep pets safe amid record-breaking cold weather  Chicago Sun-Times

Aggieland Humane Society offering free pets for vets - KBTX
Aggieland Humane Society offering free pets for vets  KBTX

San Bernardino County program saving shelter pets from euthanasia - San Bernardino County Sun
San Bernardino County program saving shelter pets from euthanasia  San Bernardino County Sun

NJ pets in need: Nov. 11, 2019 - NJ.com
NJ pets in need: Nov. 11, 2019  NJ.com

Township officials say family's goats, chickens are not pets - WPXI Pittsburgh
Township officials say family's goats, chickens are not pets  WPXI Pittsburgh

Local News Reminder: Bring your pets inside if the temp drops below 20 degrees Katie Cox - WRTV Indianapolis
Local News Reminder: Bring your pets inside if the temp drops below 20 degrees Katie Cox  WRTV Indianapolis

Here's a chance to get free rabies shots, microchips for your pets - mySanAntonio.com
Here's a chance to get free rabies shots, microchips for your pets  mySanAntonio.com

Pets, plants and heaters: What you need to know as an Arctic Blast blows into Southeast Texas - 12newsnow.com KBMT-KJAC
Pets, plants and heaters: What you need to know as an Arctic Blast blows into Southeast Texas  12newsnow.com KBMT-KJAC

People, pets, plants: Freeze prompts Acadiana to take action - The Advocate
People, pets, plants: Freeze prompts Acadiana to take action  The Advocate

Don't Tranquilize Pets on the Move Advises Air Animal Veterinarian - PR Web
Don't Tranquilize Pets on the Move Advises Air Animal Veterinarian  PR Web

Heaven's Pets at Lake Lawn Metairie Holds 9th Annual Blessing of the Pets - My New Orleans
Heaven's Pets at Lake Lawn Metairie Holds 9th Annual Blessing of the Pets  My New Orleans

Japanese Office lets Employees bring Pets to Work - WSPA 7News
Japanese Office lets Employees bring Pets to Work  WSPA 7News

Meet Perfect Pets, Bell Bell and Petey! - KGO-TV
Meet Perfect Pets, Bell Bell and Petey!  KGO-TV

Should People Be Able to Take Their Therapy Pets Everywhere? - International Policy Digest
Should People Be Able to Take Their Therapy Pets Everywhere?  International Policy Digest

Pet gifts 2019: ‘Purrfect’ finds for your four-legged friends - Seattle Times
Pet gifts 2019: ‘Purrfect’ finds for your four-legged friends  Seattle Times

Pet tips: Senior pet health - News15 | Lafayette, LA - FOX 15
Pet tips: Senior pet health - News15 | Lafayette, LA  FOX 15

7 People, 6 Pets Displaced In Structure Fire Near San Ramon - Patch.com
7 People, 6 Pets Displaced In Structure Fire Near San Ramon  Patch.com

Lost And Found Pets Of Will County: Week of Nov. 11 - Manhattan, IL Patch
Lost And Found Pets Of Will County: Week of Nov. 11  Manhattan, IL Patch

Pets For Vets - Helping Veterans And Shelter Animals - Talk Radio 1210 WPHT
Pets For Vets - Helping Veterans And Shelter Animals  Talk Radio 1210 WPHT

People, Pets Breaking Out The Winter Attire With This Early Taste Of Arctic-Like Cold - CBS Philly
People, Pets Breaking Out The Winter Attire With This Early Taste Of Arctic-Like Cold  CBS Philly

For Pet's Sake | Pedicures for your pet - fox56.com
For Pet's Sake | Pedicures for your pet  fox56.com

Officials Offer Pet Safety Tips Ahead of Cold Weather - NBC Chicago
Officials Offer Pet Safety Tips Ahead of Cold Weather  NBC Chicago

KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Shannon - KCBD
KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Shannon  KCBD

VCA Announces Partnership with Varian in the Fight Against Pet Cancer - PRNewswire
VCA Announces Partnership with Varian in the Fight Against Pet Cancer  PRNewswire

Pets on 2: Charleston Animal Society – Peper - WCBD News 2
Pets on 2: Charleston Animal Society – Peper  WCBD News 2

A Paws for Health: Pet Allergies - 9&10 News
A Paws for Health: Pet Allergies  9&10 News

AM Update: Renting with your pet in Twin Cities? Get your pet's DNA ready - Minnesota Public Radio News
AM Update: Renting with your pet in Twin Cities? Get your pet's DNA ready  Minnesota Public Radio News

Exotic pets take center stage at upcoming Reptile Expo - WEAU
Exotic pets take center stage at upcoming Reptile Expo  WEAU

Learn More About the Valley's Coolest Pets - Phoenix New Times
Learn More About the Valley's Coolest Pets  Phoenix New Times

Happy Howlidays! Dozens of pets in Moanalua participate in annual snow-day event - Hawaii News Now
Happy Howlidays! Dozens of pets in Moanalua participate in annual snow-day event  Hawaii News Now

Annual Service of Remembrance & Thanksgiving for Pets - Patch.com
Annual Service of Remembrance & Thanksgiving for Pets  Patch.com

City Council Votes to Keep Alpacas as Pets in Escondido - NBC 7 San Diego
City Council Votes to Keep Alpacas as Pets in Escondido  NBC 7 San Diego

St. Petersburg leaders take stand against Florida bill that would ban pets from certain areas - ABC Action News
St. Petersburg leaders take stand against Florida bill that would ban pets from certain areas  ABC Action News

A Crucial Blind Spot in Veterinary Medicine - The Atlantic
A Crucial Blind Spot in Veterinary Medicine  The Atlantic

Straw bedding offers 'hope' for pets in frigid temps - nbc25news.com
Straw bedding offers 'hope' for pets in frigid temps  nbc25news.com

The world's biggest Burmese python is this man's pet snake - New York Post
The world's biggest Burmese python is this man's pet snake  New York Post

Area pets available for adoption (PHOTOS), Nov. 6, 2019 - OregonLive
Area pets available for adoption (PHOTOS), Nov. 6, 2019  OregonLive

Albuquerque Animal Welfare Department offers free pet microchipping - KRQE News 13
Albuquerque Animal Welfare Department offers free pet microchipping  KRQE News 13

Glenville shelter gets over 40 pets at once - The Daily Gazette
Glenville shelter gets over 40 pets at once  The Daily Gazette

Nashville Is Going to the Dogs in a Good Way — And Your City Can Too! - PEOPLE.com
Nashville Is Going to the Dogs in a Good Way — And Your City Can Too!  PEOPLE.com

JAPAN: OFFICES HAVE FUN BRINGING PETS TO WORK - WFMZ Allentown
JAPAN: OFFICES HAVE FUN BRINGING PETS TO WORK  WFMZ Allentown

Make your holiday decorations toddler- and pet-friendly - Times-Enterprise
Make your holiday decorations toddler- and pet-friendly  Times-Enterprise

Instagram pets don't live forever, but their content can - The Outline
Instagram pets don't live forever, but their content can  The Outline

Local church runs food pantry for pets - WJAC Johnstown
Local church runs food pantry for pets  WJAC Johnstown

Saving Senior Dogs Week celebrates adopting older pets - Today.com
Saving Senior Dogs Week celebrates adopting older pets  Today.com

You can adopt 19 remarkable pets on Staten Island this weekend: Nov. 9-10 - SILive.com
You can adopt 19 remarkable pets on Staten Island this weekend: Nov. 9-10  SILive.com

3 people, 2 pets escape Canton house fire - Boston News, Weather, Sports | WHDH 7News
3 people, 2 pets escape Canton house fire  Boston News, Weather, Sports | WHDH 7News

11/12: Adopt-A-Pet - Meet Arabella - WQOW TV News 18
11/12: Adopt-A-Pet - Meet Arabella  WQOW TV News 18

Pet Tales: Maine coon cats make great therapy pets - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Pet Tales: Maine coon cats make great therapy pets  Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

The Pet Shop: Sometimes pets need pets, too - Greensboro News & Record
The Pet Shop: Sometimes pets need pets, too  Greensboro News & Record

See a pet left outside in the cold? Here’s who to call - Cleveland 19 News
See a pet left outside in the cold? Here’s who to call  Cleveland 19 News

Several pets die after fire in northwest - CityNews Calgary
Several pets die after fire in northwest  CityNews Calgary

Predator attacks on pets worries owners - Powell Tribune
Predator attacks on pets worries owners  Powell Tribune

These adorable pets need new homes! - WCVB Boston
These adorable pets need new homes!  WCVB Boston

The Mysterious Relationship Between Pets and Their Owners - The New Yorker
The Mysterious Relationship Between Pets and Their Owners  The New Yorker

The Wet Nose Project | Saving pets one fundraiser at a time - KSDK.com
The Wet Nose Project | Saving pets one fundraiser at a time  KSDK.com

KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Tucker - KCBD
KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Tucker  KCBD

The Farmer's Dog tests its pet food recipes on humans - CBS News
The Farmer's Dog tests its pet food recipes on humans  CBS News

New Young-Williams Pet Resource Center nearly complete - WATE 6 On Your Side
New Young-Williams Pet Resource Center nearly complete  WATE 6 On Your Side

Pet(s) of the Week: Mouse & Quintin - WDVM 25
Pet(s) of the Week: Mouse & Quintin  WDVM 25

Pets of the week: Fun-loving Mac, easy-going Tulip looking for new homes - MLive.com
Pets of the week: Fun-loving Mac, easy-going Tulip looking for new homes  MLive.com

Halfway Home Pet Rescue Adoption Center pet of the week – Jamie - The County
Halfway Home Pet Rescue Adoption Center pet of the week – Jamie  The County

The best pet and animal related gifts of 2019 - Los Angeles Times
The best pet and animal related gifts of 2019  Los Angeles Times

Husky mix, mellow cat are Unleashed Pet Rescue’s pets of week - Kansas City Star
Husky mix, mellow cat are Unleashed Pet Rescue’s pets of week  Kansas City Star

Pet 2,080 dogs at Philadelphia’s National Dog Show this weekend - The Philadelphia Inquirer
Pet 2,080 dogs at Philadelphia’s National Dog Show this weekend  The Philadelphia Inquirer

Second Home Pet Boarding: New kennel offers plenty of amenities, great space for pets - Dubois County Free Press
Second Home Pet Boarding: New kennel offers plenty of amenities, great space for pets  Dubois County Free Press

Shelter for abused women now offers safe haven for clients’ pets, too - WLOX
Shelter for abused women now offers safe haven for clients’ pets, too  WLOX

California Wildfires Displace Shelter Pets - Mental Floss
California Wildfires Displace Shelter Pets  Mental Floss

New Cumberland council tables plan to limit number of household pets - PennLive
New Cumberland council tables plan to limit number of household pets  PennLive

Ordinance limiting number of pets up for possible vote - PennLive
Ordinance limiting number of pets up for possible vote  PennLive

Pet Health: How to treat and prevent kennel cough - ArkLaTexHomepage
Pet Health: How to treat and prevent kennel cough  ArkLaTexHomepage

2 pets killed, family displaced after Fort Lauderdale home catches fire - WSVN 7News | Miami News, Weather, Sports | Fort Lauderdale
2 pets killed, family displaced after Fort Lauderdale home catches fire  WSVN 7News | Miami News, Weather, Sports | Fort Lauderdale

Wag's dog walkers are secretly rating your precious pet - Business Insider
Wag's dog walkers are secretly rating your precious pet  Business Insider

ANIMAL ADOPTION PITTSBURGH: Humane Animal Rescue waiving adoption fees for senior pets in November - WPXI Pittsburgh
ANIMAL ADOPTION PITTSBURGH: Humane Animal Rescue waiving adoption fees for senior pets in November  WPXI Pittsburgh

PICS: Pets of all shapes and sizes bring their humans to Pet Fest - FOX 8 Live WVUE
PICS: Pets of all shapes and sizes bring their humans to Pet Fest  FOX 8 Live WVUE

Utah veterinarians concerned about proposed pet tax - KUTV 2News
Utah veterinarians concerned about proposed pet tax  KUTV 2News

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